When they finally parted ways, she turned and left, and he stood there like a fool, staring at her from afar. She walked faster and faster, afraid she wouldn't be able to hold back her tears. Finally, he caught up with her and grabbed her arm, holding it so tightly that even his breathing was hurried. "Jiaqi, you can't do this."
It was the first time she saw a man's eyes redden, and he just held her tightly, as if he was afraid that if he let go, she would disappear into thin air.
She almost used up all her life's strength to hold back her tears, sneered and used the most ruthless words, like an extremely sharp blade, cutting through and severing the last thread between him and her. "Meng Heping, why are you so naive? I have told you everything clearly. Why don't you understand? I beg you, I am going to be admitted to graduate school. Don't delay my future."
"I don't believe it!" He was almost yelling. "I don't believe it, I don't believe what you said. You are going to leave me for some admission to graduate school—I don't believe it!"
She smiled cruelly. "Meng Heping, admission to graduate school may not be worth a penny to you, but to me, it is very important, very important. I am not with Xu Shifeng for the admission to graduate school. I love him. Do you understand?"
His hand was so heavy that he pinched her so hard that she couldn't bear the pain. All her tears turned into light, and in the circle of light there was only his face, his eyebrows, his eyes, the corners of his mouth—bit by bit, fading into a blurry shadow in her sight.
His voice was distant and faint. "I don't understand. I only know that the most important thing to me in this world is you."
Her nose was sore, her knees were weak, her chest was in pain. Everything began to spin. She was trembling, even her voice changed tone, every word clear and distinct. "But to me, there are many things in this world that are more important than you."
He looked at her. She had a numb pleasure, like a suicidal person cutting their veins, the blood dripping drop by drop, gradually draining, and then she fell into a kind of empty peace, surrounded by soft clouds. No matter how much pain she felt, it became a distant thing, just a numb pleasure.
"You yearn for that kind of life because you have never experienced it, so it is new. But I am tired of it. I have lived this kind of life for twenty-one years. It is so ordinary and so difficult. I have been busy all my life just to buy a house, budgeting carefully, and I feel happy for a long time when I wear a new dress. I am tired of it, do you understand? You like this kind of life because it is trivial and ordinary. You say you like this kind of worldly atmosphere because you have been high and mighty for the past twenty years and have no chance to experience it. But I have been in this worldly atmosphere for too long, and I feel suffocated by it. I hope to have a better future. What is the future? You will not understand, because your future has been a broad and bright road since you were born. And I—I and many, many people—how should I struggle, how should I work hard to live a better life? Your mother was right. We were originally from two different worlds, brought together by accident. Happiness won't last, and sooner or later, we'll be separated. And now, if I leave you, I can gain so many practical things. Why should I give up such an opportunity? Why can't I make the right decision for my future? Xu Shifeng can marry me. Can you?"
He looked at her for a long moment before speaking, his voice low and hoarse, tinged with an uncontrollable sadness. "I love you—Jiaqi, no matter what you say, I love you. If you leave, I may never be able to get you back in this lifetime."
She tried to pull her hand out from between his fingers, but he wouldn't let go. She pried his fingers apart one by one, bending them with resolute force. It might hurt, but a short pain is better than a long one. She would rather bear all the pain herself, as long as he suffered the least amount of harm.
He was stronger than her, and she couldn't move his fingers. She finally steeled herself, raised her hand, and slapped him hard. It was so crisp and loud, like a heavy slap on her heart, and the pain made her almost unable to control herself. She pointed at him and cursed, "Meng Heping, are you a man? I have already said that I don't love you anymore. Why are you so shameless? You have no shame, but I still have some. Let me go. Don't disgust me anymore. I never want to see you again!"
The words were so vicious, so cruel, and so decisive. His eyes were full of bloodshot lines, and his pupils shrank rapidly. He stared at her as if she were his executioner, but she stood still. He finally despaired, and his fingers loosened little by little. Finally, he released her, and she was determined. She turned and hurried forward, walking a long, long way, until she'd walked two whole blocks. She stumbled back to her senses, then squatted by the side of the road, folding her arms and sobbing. She cried for a full hour. The passing cars and the bright lampposts seemed like eyes, like countless pairs of glittering eyes. She cried until she felt dizzy. She scratched the brick edge of the sidewalk and peeled off the entire nail on her right index finger. She didn't feel the pain—the blood just kept flowing. She wiped her tears messily, stood up, and walked forward again. Tears kept falling as she walked.
She had never known how loving someone could be so painful. It was like having a piece of your heart ripped out, twisting it with a knife, twisting it, and it couldn't stop, as if it would never stop. Books always describe it as a broken heart—not a broken heart, but a razor-sharp knife. Each cut left a bloody mess of flesh. The pain was unbearable, but there was nothing she could do. She let it be chopped into pieces.
Meng Heping, I love you, so I'm willing to do all this. I can't live without you, but I'm willing to leave you. I know I'll never find you again, but I'm willing to do so. As long as you live better than me, as long as you're happier than me, I'm willing to do anything. As long as it's for you, even if it means losing you, even if I can never have you in this life, as long as it's for you, I'm willing to do it.
Later, she kept thinking—the ending was so clear, she remembered it so clearly, but the beginning, the things that started it, all became a distant and vague dream.
No one in this world will ever know how many tears she shed before she truly hid this wound so deeply, never to show it to anyone again.
Even someone as close as Xu Shifeng didn't know.
Last month, when she was having Japanese food with Xu Shifeng, he joked, "Jiaqi, you're really ungrateful. Back then, I bore the infamy for you, and now you don't even glance at me."
The tuna sashimi was incredibly delicious. Jiaqi buried her head in her food, slurring her words as she replied, "Lawyer Xu, there are so many people who glance at you, and I'm not the only one you need."
Xu Shifeng seemed filled with melancholy. "Everyone in the world looks at you favorably, but that one person is the only one who gives you the cold shoulder."
Jiaqi nearly choked on the wasabi—it was so spicy, so acrid, and it felt like countless thorns had grown in her throat, each one gathering the spiciness. She finally recovered after guzzling half a glass of sake, but the spiciness still made her eyes water. "Brother, isn't it okay that I was wrong? Don't be so sarcastic."
Xu Shifeng began to speak earnestly again. "Jiaqi, you are not a child anymore..." Jiaqi's ears were callused. She had heard this line almost a hundred times. Sure enough, she only heard him say, "It's not that big brother likes to nag, but it's better for a girl to find someone to marry. Big brother has several young talents in his hands. He can ask one out someday. It doesn't matter if you don't like him. There are a lot of new junior brothers graduating this year. You just have to open your eyes and choose carefully."
Jiaqi sighed and muttered to herself, "He is a well-known lawyer and one of the top ten outstanding young people in this city. His hobby is matchmaking."
Xu Shifeng laughed, and his two sword-like eyebrows flew into his temples, making him look more heroic. Jiaqi vaguely thought in her heart that he seemed to resemble someone, but she could not remember who it was. She was in a mess, and she finally said the words that she had been holding back for a long time. "Big brother, I saw Meng Heping in a magazine the other day."
Xu Shifeng was stunned for a moment before smiling. "That guy punched me so hard back then, it nearly detached my retina. I heard he's doing pretty well now. A couple of years ago, I heard from my junior that he was the agent for some incredibly popular online game, making a ton of money."
He seemed to say it casually, but she knew he was being cautious, wary of hurting her.
She couldn't help but feel a pang of sadness. Did he work in online games? The gaps in her life without him were so empty, almost frightening. She only knew that in the early days, he worked at an IT company, working endless overtime, sometimes coming home so exhausted he could fall asleep without even taking off his socks. It was so hard—it was so hard, all for her. Jiaqi stuffed the sea urchin into her mouth. The taste of soy sauce and wasabi, the slippery, greasy smell of the sea, all washed over her, nearly choking her. Xu Shifeng saw her eyes welling with tears from the spiciness, and reached out to pour her a cup of tea. Bitter, just as bitter. She took a breath and explained miserably, "The wasabi is too spicy."
"Don't act like a bitter vegetable flower in front of me." He patted her shoulder. "If you want to cry, cry loudly. Come, I'll lend you my shoulder. It's twenty yuan per minute, and you can cry as long as you like."
She said angrily, "That's too cruel. It's 1,200 yuan for an hour. You are robbing me."
"How much do people pay me for talking to me for an hour? How much do people pay me for consulting me on a question—and you are crying anyway."
"Stink of money!"
"Little Slingshot, isn't this what you advised me? In this world, there is nothing worth striving for except money."
Jiaqi sighed. Back then, she was playful and was a famous "Little Slingshot" in the Foreign Languages College. There were few people in their department, and even fewer girls, so they lived in the dormitory of the English Department. They got up early in the morning to memorize words. Amidst the chattering of aristocratic London accents, she was the only one who made the slingshot sound with a big tongue. So, Chang Yuanyuan, who was on the lower bunk, gave her the nickname "Little Slingshot." Later, the name spread like wildfire, and even Xu Shifeng called her Little Slingshot.
"Youth is so good," she sighed. "When you call me 'little slingshot,' I feel so much younger."
Xu Shifeng looked down on her. "Don't act like that in front of me. Just say that word if you dare."
She smiled playfully. "Didn't I say that?"
Xu Shifeng sighed. "You're the most stubborn one. After all these years, you're still thinking about Meng Heping. I don't understand what's so good about him. That bastard is so stupid, a complete piece of rotten wood."
Jiaqi poured herself a glass of wine. Xu Shifeng seemed to be mocking himself. "Look at me, I'm the pot calling the kettle black."
Jiaqi paused before asking, "No news about Anqi yet?"
Xu Shifeng smiled bitterly. "I'm afraid I'll never find her again in this lifetime."
I'm afraid I'll never find you again in this lifetime.
Long, long ago, someone had said this to her, and Jiaqi's heart ached. But he didn't know that she would never find him again. Jiaqi held the wine glass and slowly swallowed the bitter sips. Well, she would rather not see him.
But Xu Shifeng asked her, "Did you go fishing at the reservoir last Saturday?"
Jiaqi was startled, then she remembered that she had gone fishing with Ruan Zhengdong last week. Thinking back to that scene, it was very funny. They took a large group of people to the suburban reservoir. The beautiful scenery was picturesque. The girls who went with them just thought they were on vacation at the beach. Everyone wore shiny sunglasses and sat under the umbrella to apply sunscreen, as if they were by the rippling swimming pool. The men were very serious, with their fishing rods lined up in a row, looking like they were going to battle. As soon as a fish was hooked, there was a clanging sound, and immediately there was commotion. Under the umbrella, there was only laughter, noise and shouting—it could probably be heard across the whole mountain. Jiaqi thought at the time, how can we catch any fish in such a noisy place?
The reservoir management department deployed two or three oxygenators and continuously dropped bait from boats. They'd probably seduce even a mermaid, let alone a fish, with their professionalism. It was truly eye-opening. Jiaqi, crouching alone in the shade of a tree, played in the water, thinking of the fishing trip up the river in the Chronicle of the Qingxi Emperor. A cold smile crept over her. "If it were today, someone would actually deploy divers."
Suddenly, someone behind her asked, "What are you thinking?"
She jumped with fright, turned around and glared at Ruan Zhengdong, then patted her chest to calm herself.
He was really born to wear clothes. He could even wear fishing attire in a very elegant way. He didn't care that his white clothes were as white as snow. He squatted down to watch the fishing rod for her. The bait on the hook had been eaten by the fish long ago. He smiled at her while holding the fishing line. "Why are you like Jiang Taigong? There is nothing on the hook. How can you catch fish?"
She argued, "I'm not here to fish. I'm here to catch golden turtles."
He raised his head and saw all the beautiful women surrounding her in the distance. Men and women burst into laughter from time to time. He wondered if they had caught a big fish. He smiled at her. "You're being insincere, aren't you? They're all over there. How can you possibly catch a golden turtle squatting here by yourself?"
She grinned. "I don't have any golden turtles, but I do have a mud turtle."
He pretended to swing his fishing rod at her, but she leaped up nimbly, as graceful as a deer. Smiling, she hopped onto a stone pier and squatted down to continue playing in the water. Sunlight filtered through the leaves, like broken gold, scattering all over her face and body. The water splashed, glittering, and shimmered like mercury in her hands. He squinted at her, as if the sunlight blinded him. After a long while, he asked, "Hey, seriously, why do you look so absent-minded? What were you thinking about just now?"
She said, "I was thinking about something in a book."
"What book? It makes you laugh like an idiot."
"The Chronicle of Qing Xi. You haven't read it. People like you are lucky to have read The Romance of the Three Kingdoms."
He answered honestly, "I really haven't read it. I just read The Romance of the Three Kingdoms."
"It's a pity not to read it," she said with infinite regret. "There are picturesque landscapes and beauties in it."
"Beauties like clouds? Then why did you read it?"
"I can't stand the eunuchs in it."
He seemed to be both amused and hesitant to speak. She didn't expect him to understand at all, so she talked to herself. "Actually, I just wanted to see it—a pearl thrown into the dark, a beautiful jade covered in dust. Those who fall in love are those who shouldn't be loved. There must be an ending, even if it's a little tragic. It's always an ending."
Before she could say anything more, someone in the distance was already shouting, "Zhengdong! Zhengdong! Fish! Fish!" The bell on his fishing rod was ringing. He left her and went to reel in the fishing line immediately. The stone pillar was uneven and prickly, and Jiaqi couldn't sit still anymore. She stood up and thought about going fishing with Meng Heping.
Back then, there was no such scene as now. It was just her and him, the two of them sunbathing like loaches by the lake. They didn't catch many fish, but they had a great time. After returning home, her face was peeling and remained red for a long time, like an apple. She was young then, and after drinking milk, she would pat the remaining milk in the bottle on her face and use it as a face mask. She forgot to rinse it off after brushing her teeth, and Meng Heping kissed her. She grinned, "You're still wet behind the ears!" She hit him with a pillow, and he caught her under the rain of pillows and kissed her. "Mmm, it smells so good!" Like a child who had eaten candy, full of satisfaction.
The sun was too strong, and Jiaqi felt dizzy with tinnitus, perhaps from being out in the sun for too long. She looked out, surrounded by vast expanses of blue water. Beyond the water, the shadows of the mountains overlapped, like a streak of indigo. The lake and mountains were like embroidery. In the distance, there were sounds of laughter and chatter, but that was other people's business.
It had nothing to do with her.
Jiaqi didn't expect Xu Shifeng to know about this, and couldn't help but say, "Yeah, I went fishing. How did you know?"
Xu Shifeng looked her up and down, then said, "Someone told me. I didn't believe it at the time. How come there is no good person when you hang out with that group of people."
Jiaqi felt guilty. "I was wrong. I won't dare to do it again next time."
Xu Shifeng sighed. "I won't nag you anymore. You have always been the one who knows what is right and wrong, but sometimes you know it too well. Let me tell you—women, it's okay to be a little stupid when you need to be stupid."
Jiaqi smiled. "Brother, am I not stupid enough?"
Xu Shifeng seemed very surprised. After a pause, he nodded. "You are indeed stupid enough."
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