Chapter 16: Denial to Longing

Ruan Jing had been drowning in obligations these past few days, her schedule a relentless tide of professional demands. Three ink painting masters from Hangzhou were exhibiting their new works at an exhibition hall in N City, and as the organizer, Gao Fan Gallery bore the weight of countless details. She found herself orchestrating a complex ballet of logistics—coordinating with people from all walks of life, managing media relations, arranging hotel accommodations for a contingent of teachers from the Zhejiang Academy of Fine Arts.

Another week dissolved into the blur of constant motion.

She had harbored the naive hope that such busyness would serve as a barrier against personal reflections, that exhaustion might grant her respite from the thoughts that plagued her quieter moments. But reality proved far less cooperative. What she had found in Jiang Yan—or rather, what his anger had revealed—led her into deeper, more unsettling contemplations about Zhao Qiyan.

Strangely enough, his name had become like a dodgeball in her consciousness; the more desperately she tried to evade it, the more relentlessly it pursued her, bouncing through her thoughts at the most inconvenient moments.

Ruan Jing found herself forced to admit an uncomfortable truth: Qi Yan did stir something within her, created some kind of emotional conflict she couldn't quite name. On one hand, she desperately wanted to preserve the carefully constructed status quo she'd established. On the other, she felt the artificiality of that arrangement, the awkward tension of something fundamentally unsustainable.

Just as she found herself trapped in this impossible dilemma, Zhao Qiyan had already boarded a plane back to Jamaica.

His spirits had been deteriorating lately, a slow erosion he couldn't quite halt. He never slept on airplanes—it was a point of pride, almost—but this time drowsiness claimed him the moment he settled into his seat.

The beautiful, statuesque flight attendant couldn't help but cast concerned glances at the handsome man whose exhaustion seemed etched into his very bones.

"Sir, would you like something to drink?"

Qi Yan shook his head, his gaze drifting toward the window where clouds stretched endlessly. Was this kind of departure a form of running away? The thought of Ruan Jing sent a sharp pang through his chest. How long had it been since he'd felt this species of sadness, this particular flavor of grief? Even having already tasted rejection, he still couldn't break free from his obsession with her. Was he truly that sentimental, that susceptible to emotion? Probably not. The problem resided squarely with Ruan Jing herself—that person wielded far too much influence over him, had somehow claimed territory in his psyche he hadn't known was vulnerable.

Qi Yan struggled to suppress the unhappiness, the resentment, the stubborn unwillingness that welled up inside him like poison. What he needed now was to ease the pain and suffocation of this relationship, to find some way to breathe around it, rather than constantly reliving every moment and sinking deeper into quicksand he couldn't escape.

When Qi Yan finally returned to N City, autumn had deepened into mid-October. During his absence, Ruan Jing had been involved in a minor car accident—minor in the grand scheme of vehicular disasters, but significant enough to fracture her leg. The injury required a cast and an extended period of home confinement that threatened to drive her slowly, inexorably mad with boredom.

That particular evening, Ruan Xian came over to provide companionship and conversation, a welcome reprieve from the monotony. "Jiang Yan actually told Grandpa today that he wants to step down. Do you think he's gone mad?"

Ruan Jing felt genuine surprise flicker through her. Although Jiang Yan maintained an admirably calm exterior, she knew him well enough to recognize the ambition that burned beneath that polished surface. He had harbored far-sighted aspirations since his student days, dreams he'd cultivated with careful precision.

Ruan Xian continued with characteristic bluntness, "I think he's trying to advance by retreating, playing some kind of strategic game. Do you know what I overheard him saying to Grandpa in the study last time? He said he wanted to get engaged to you if possible. Bah! I think he just wants to exploit his connections to secure his position as the top leader."

Ruan Jing remained silent, finding herself speechless in the face of this revelation. Too many futile attempts, too much wasted waiting had finally taught her to surrender those old dreams. Her youthful arrogance had curdled into regret with the passage of time. Honestly, she still couldn't fathom what she had seen in Jiang Yan all those years ago. She remembered the first time her aunt had brought him to meet her grandfather—how reserved and cautious he'd been, answering only when directly questioned. She had stood behind him, watching his hands nervously clasp together behind his back, betraying the anxiety his face refused to show... and suddenly, inexplicably, she'd been lost in contemplation of him.

"Speaking of which, I remember you and Zhao Qiyan seemed to get along quite well," Ruan Xian said, her subject change as abrupt as a car swerving lanes.

Ruan Jing felt herself caught off guard. "Is it alright?"

"He was in Jamaica a while ago, and then a Category 4 hurricane struck there, killing and injuring a lot of people. I called him then and was so relieved to find out he was safe." Ruan Xian sprawled across the bed, her words tumbling out in that rambling way she had, her expression executing a complete transformation from discussing a man she disdained to one she admired. "I ran into him at a Sichuan restaurant the day before yesterday, and he looked noticeably thinner." She couldn't suppress a sigh. "He's becoming more and more polite to me, maintaining this perfect distance, so it seems like there's really no chance for us."

Ruan Jing listened, her awareness tunneling down to a single phrase, "He's back..."

Ruan Xian laughed, reaching over to pat her younger sister's shoulder with sisterly affection. "Anyway, I'm going to look for a new target now. You'd better watch out."

All day afterward, Ruan Jing found herself fixating on that phrase "take care of yourself." Although Ruan Xian's meaning differed somewhat from the literal interpretation, it still carried an unexpected resonance, a touch of inadvertent brilliance. Ruan Xian had always been the sharpest person in their family, the one who saw through pretenses others carefully maintained.

Finally, after the workday ended, she found herself driving to the coffee shop.

This was his territory, his domain, and she used to navigate it freely, coming and going as if she belonged there. But now hesitation gripped her, made her reluctant to cross that threshold. Subconsciously, Ruan Jing recognized the shift in her mindset; even without Ruan Xian's pointed observations, she genuinely wanted to see him. The desire had been building, undeniable despite her best efforts to ignore it.

As she pushed through the door, a waiter who knew her pointed in a specific direction. There she spotted that familiar tall figure, holding coffee beans close to his face, inhaling their aroma with focused attention, then bending down to make careful notes.

Ruan Jing hesitated for a suspended moment, then gathered her courage and approached. "Hi."

Zhao Qiyan, who had just set down his pen, went absolutely still. He turned slowly, as if afraid sudden movement might shatter something fragile, and saw Ruan Jing standing there. After what felt like an eternity compressed into seconds, he finally managed a smile. "What brings you here?"

His attitude proved far friendlier than she had braced herself to expect, and Ruan Jing suddenly felt acutely aware of her own inadequacies compared to Zhao Qiyan's seemingly effortless grace.

"Actually, I should have come a long time ago."

Qi Yan appeared momentarily taken aback, then his expression softened into genuine warmth. He led her to a seat by the window—that perfect spot where afternoon light filtered through—personally prepared her a cup of mocha, and settled into the chair beside her.

"How have you been lately?" This time it was Qiyan who posed this most polite of questions, the words carrying none of their former intimacy.

For reasons she couldn't fully articulate, Ruan Jing felt uncomfortable hearing such formality from him. Still, she maintained her composure, smiled, and replied, "I'm fine, how about you?"

"As always," he said, his tone giving nothing away.

Soft piano music drifted through the café's atmosphere, while the rich aroma of coffee created that particular ambiance—his favorite kind of environment, one calculated to calm turbulent emotions. Qi Yan lowered his gaze, deliberately blocking out the alluring vision she presented.

They chatted casually that evening, discussing nothing of consequence, and on the surface everything appeared perfectly normal, as if no rupture had ever occurred between them.

When Ruan Jing finally rose to take her leave, Zhao Qiyan gently caught her hand. The touch sent electricity through her nerves as a string of exquisite black beads was slowly slipped onto her wrist with practiced care.

"It's just a gift, nothing more."

Ruan Jing stood frozen, momentarily lost in the simple gesture and all its possible meanings. "Thank you."

Three days later, Ruan Jing boarded an Eastern Airlines flight to Beijing, embarking on what felt like a somewhat awkward journey to collect her silver award. To be entirely honest, she wasn't particularly satisfied with the photographs of the model she'd selected at the art academy. Perhaps it was because she'd had such an outstanding subject previously—someone who had ruined her for ordinary beauty—that she always felt something essential was missing in comparison. Nevertheless, she'd managed to secure an award, an achievement that registered as neither particularly triumphant nor disappointing.

Ruan Jing had planned to extend her Beijing stay to two weeks, seizing the opportunity to visit the Great Wall, that legendary structure she'd yearned to experience firsthand for years. She found herself remembering a conversation with Zhao Qiyan about this World Heritage Site when they'd first met, how his eyes had lit up discussing its history...

Ruan Jing sighed, unable to escape the faint melancholy that descended whenever she recalled this particular person.

When Ji Wei drove to Capital Airport to collect her, Ruan Jing was already waiting in the arrivals lounge. Ji Wei couldn't help but think that after a year's separation, this woman had somehow become even more infuriatingly beautiful.

Ruan Jing wore a black sweater that emphasized her elegant frame, a high-quality red scarf wrapped around her neck providing a splash of color, dark casual pants, and simple monochrome sneakers. Always clean, always effortlessly elegant, as if she'd stepped from the pages of a minimalist fashion magazine.

Ji Wei approached with a grin that didn't quite reach his eyes. "Isn't the water in the South especially good for beauty and skincare?"

"You can give it a try if you have the chance," Ruan Jing responded with an easy smile, stepping forward to greet him properly. "Long time no see."

Ji Wei snorted, unable to resist needling her. "I bet if I don't come looking for you, you won't care if you never see your ex-boyfriend again."

"Didn't I call you first?"

"Ha, that's only because you don't want to stay in a hotel."

Ruan Jing nodded, accepting the truth of this. She did indeed try to avoid hotels whenever humanly possible. The thought of how many strangers had slept on those sheets, left traces of themselves in those spaces, always triggered a visceral unease. She habitually brought her own blanket to layer over hotel bedding just to achieve some semblance of comfort.

Throughout the drive, Ji Wei maintained a running commentary about his current situation, dropping subtle hints about his new girlfriend with the deliberate casualness of someone fishing for a reaction. However, observing that his passenger displayed absolutely no interest, he felt annoyance kindle in his chest.

"Did you meet anyone interesting when you went back to your hometown this time?"

"Yes, I have."

"Another athletic type, I suppose?"

"Not really, I'd say he's the perfect type," Ruan Jing said with a soft laugh that carried unexpected warmth. "But he's not my boyfriend."

"Ha, you've been heartless for quite some time now."

"I think—it's time for them to stop being interested in me," she said quietly, as if speaking more to herself than to him.

Ji Wei turned to stare at her in genuine surprise. The person occupying his passenger seat wore a natural expression, but the confusion lingering between her brows definitely couldn't be attributed to someone merely confused by emotions. This was something deeper.

"Are you really in a relationship?" If this proved true, Ji Wei felt he might actually bang his head against the steering wheel. He'd always believed that Ruan Jing was essentially emotionally frigid, incapable of genuine romantic passion. Being friends with her was comfortable enough, but being lovers would constitute pure torture, because she seemed to possess absolutely no understanding of emotional or physical intimacy.

Ruan Jing looked down at the black beads adorning her wrist, her thoughts drifting to places Ji Wei couldn't follow, to a tall figure in a coffee shop who made her feel things she'd thought herself incapable of feeling.

Ji Wei found himself feeling profoundly depressed. What kind of man could possibly have moved the notoriously heartless Ruan Jing? What kind of person had succeeded where so many others had failed?

Thoughts:

A car accident that fractures her leg forces her into stillness, and during this time she learns from her sister Ruan Xian that Zhao Qiyan has returned safely from a hurricane. The revelation that he's back in the city compels her to visit his coffee shop, where their interaction is marked by careful politeness masking deeper emotions. Zhao Qiyan's gift of black prayer beads suggests his continued feelings despite his guarded demeanor. 

Meanwhile, Jiang Yan's manipulative behavior and potential engagement plans are exposed, further highlighting the contrast between his calculated coldness and Zhao Qiyan's genuine though restrained affection. It ends with Ruan Jing in Beijing, her thoughts constantly returning to Zhao Qiyan, while even her ex-boyfriend Ji Wei notices the profound change in her—she who was once considered emotionally unavailable now shows unmistakable signs of being affected by love.