Because of Luan Nian's maneuvering at the budget meeting, every department suddenly grew tense. Each one commandeered a conference room and began drafting budget proposals. Marketing couldn't leave either. They had to be on call, since any department in the middle of a meeting might come knocking: "Can you take a look and see if this makes sense?" Even Shang Zhitao felt like her own standing had risen a little, just by tagging along with Marketing. It was not a bad feeling at all.
She worked through more than thirty hours of overtime with them, sleeping only a few hours at her desk, and in those thirty-plus hours she finally understood the logic behind Marketing's budgeting. It wasn't as simple as naming a sum, being handed the money, then reporting back on what it earned. Every step had its method, and every step could be tracked and traced back. That part she found genuinely interesting.
Learning something new made her happy, and by the time Wednesday's meeting rolled around, Shang Zhitao saw a first-rate proposal, the kind you'd find anywhere in the market. Everyone at Lingmei was sharp and capable, the sort who stood out wherever they went. This version of the proposal was so good that Shang Zhitao felt the previous one had been thrown together halfheartedly.
The goals were clear, the action plan solid, every cent accounted for. Lumi said to Shang Zhitao, "See that? That's the damn charm of a stubborn mule. Now I get why the board insisted on him. Who else could it be?" Lumi had grown genuinely fond of Luan Nian these days. She'd even forgiven his usual arrogance, deciding it would be strange if he weren't a little arrogant.
Lumi called Luan Nian a stubborn mule, and Shang Zhitao couldn't help letting out a short laugh.
"What are you laughing at? Isn't it true?"
"Yes, yes. He really is stubborn as a mule." Shang Zhitao quickly agreed with her.
Luan Nian had none of his usual sharp edges when it came to this version of the budget, though he still pointed out areas for improvement and set another review for Friday. At the end, he suddenly said, "Am I being too strict?"
Everyone froze for a moment. No one spoke.
He laughed to himself. "See you Friday." Then he ended the meeting.
When Shang Zhitao got home, she found Sun Yuanzhu and Zhang Lei discussing a technical problem, autonomous driving technology. In 2010, self-driving cars were still just a concept, but Sun Yuanzhu's company had put budget behind it, and he'd been pulled into the project team as a top-tier technical specialist.
"The main problem is Beijing isn't good for testing. There's nowhere for our models to run. We'll have to go somewhere out of town, somewhere with no people."
"The technology's not mature yet. There's risk involved. Going out of town isn't a bad idea."
Seeing the dark circles under Shang Zhitao's eyes, they both stopped talking. "Pulled an all-nighter?"
Shang Zhitao nodded. "The company was doing budget stuff. Where are you headed?" This last was to Sun Yuanzhu.
"The northwest."
"Will you be gone long?" Shang Zhitao felt a pang at the thought of Sun Yuanzhu leaving. She'd gotten used to him teaching her and Sun Yu all sorts of things on weekends and evenings. His mind seemed to hold an entire universe. Sometimes, watching him, she wondered if he'd read every book in the world.
Sun Yuanzhu and Luan Nian were completely different kinds of people. Luan Nian was sharp-edged, hard, cold, dazzling. Sun Yuanzhu was gentle, reserved, carrying his learning quietly within him. Shang Zhitao was afraid of Luan Nian, but never of Sun Yuanzhu.
"I will be." Sun Yuanzhu smiled at her. "I'll mail you something good to eat."
"Only to Shang Zhitao?" Zhang Lei cut in from the side.
"Both of you." Sun Yuanzhu's face reddened slightly. He said to Shang Zhitao, "Go get some sleep. You look exhausted."
"Okay." Shang Zhitao headed toward her room, then turned back. "Be careful out there!"
"Don't worry."
That was how it was, drifting through Beijing. Even under the same roof, it was hard to catch each other. Everyone worked overtime, traveled for business, went to gatherings, every day packed full. Shang Zhitao really did feel exhausted. She showered and lay down, catching up on sleep.
When Friday came, she followed her coworkers, laptops in hand, into the conference room, and the moment the door opened she saw Luan Nian sitting there flipping through a magazine, one that featured a print ad their company had designed for a major household goods brand.
Seeing them come in, he stopped, set the magazine aside, and told his secretary, "Hand these out to everyone." He'd brought back pastries from Lin Heung Kui in Hong Kong, exquisitely made, one small portion for each person. Shang Zhitao sat in the second row. She took her pastry and set it on the little fold-out table attached to her chair, then looked up and met Luan Nian's eyes. He glanced at her, indifferent, no different from how he looked at anyone else. Shang Zhitao remembered the composure she'd resolved on a few days earlier: sit up straight, act as if nothing happened, as if nothing at all were wrong. It was almost like telling Luan Nian, "Luke, don't worry, I won't say a word." So she sat up straight and made herself look fearless. I didn't do anything wrong anyway, she told herself.
The thick-skinned optimism Shang Zhitao had carried since childhood made her someone who didn't easily dwell on things. People like her didn't feel sharp pain, but she didn't realize that a dull ache could hurt just as much.
The meeting moved quickly. Once a project was approved it went to Marketing for filing and entry into the system. Since it was Friday and many of her coworkers had things to do, the work fell to Shang Zhitao. The entry system was complicated, with a mountain of information required for each project, and she threw herself into it without even stopping for water, terrified of getting some key detail wrong. It took her several hours to finish. She shut down her computer, stood up, and saw that the light in Luan Nian's office was still on. He was still working.
He really does work hard. I should learn from him, become someone who works hard even with talent to spare.
She shouldered her backpack and left the office.
The leaves were all gone now, and the air had turned another degree colder. Drunks still lingered along the street, along with a handful of people who, like her, couldn't flag down a cab. She didn't understand why people always drank late into the night and then wandered the streets. This city really did have too many late-night drunks. She thought, if only I could own a place of my own in this city before I turn thirty. Then no matter how late it got, even standing on the street like this, I wouldn't be afraid. Because I'd have somewhere of my own to go.
She put on her headphones, listened to music, and was trying to figure out which way to walk when a car pulled up in front of her.
Not the one she'd wrecked. That one would probably be in the shop for a while.
Shang Zhitao didn't know how to face him. She thought again of her four-word rule: act as if nothing happened. So she got in and said to him, "Thanks, Luke. Sorry to trouble you again."
Luan Nian glanced at her, then reached back to grab a shopping bag from the back seat and set it on her lap. "For you." Said lightly, offhand. Shang Zhitao recognized the brand. An expensive gift. Her hand felt like it had been scalded. All her composure vanished, and she pushed the bag back at him. "No, I don't need this."
"You don't want it? Are you trying to have feelings for me?" Luan Nian started the car, talking without any trouble driving at the same time.
Shang Zhitao felt like she was selling herself. Only her price happened to be a bit higher. And that wasn't because she was exceptional, just because she'd happened to run into someone rich.
She pressed her lips together and said nothing, the bag still sitting in her hands. She looked out the window, wondering how anyone else would handle a gift like this. She had no answer. So she asked Sun Yu, "My boss gave me a bag. What should I do with it?"
"Keep it." Sun Yu answered with just those two words.
In this city, almost everything came with a price tag, people included. Sun Yu had gone through a breakup that had cut her to the bone, and it had suddenly made her understand what money meant. To hell with love, without money you'd starve, and what use was chasing love while starving? That was the same Sun Yu who later went into the business of love. And it was also the same Sun Yu who later threw herself headlong into love without a second thought. Every woman had said things she didn't mean at some point, each of them growing up in her own way. Years later, looking back on this stretch of time, they'd realize most of it was never a matter of right or wrong, just choices.
Not everyone is born strong.
Know this: the people who look strong to you today were once ground down, reshaped, at some point in their lives.
Sun Yu was like that. Shang Zhitao was like that too.
So was Luan Nian.
"If I don't accept this gift, are you worried I'll tell people about us?" Shang Zhitao finally spoke.
Luan Nian's brow creased. He pulled the car over, and, rare for him, lit a cigarette. He smoked one, then lit another. Shang Zhitao didn't know what he was thinking. The silence was hard to bear. Still, she sat there without speaking, looking out the window, keeping him company while he smoked.
Luan Nian wasn't actually a smoker. That day he lit one cigarette after another, caught up in the smoke rings drifting in front of him, insubstantial and vague.
"Do you think you're selling yourself?" After a long while, Luan Nian asked her.
Shang Zhitao made a small sound of agreement. Her mood had sunk low, and she couldn't say why.
"Then I should be paying you." Luan Nian stubbed out the cigarette. "Keep it." He wouldn't say another word. He dropped her off at the entrance to her apartment complex. Shang Zhitao got out carrying the expensive gift. Luan Nian didn't even thank her. She walked off without looking back.
She felt like something inside her had collapsed that night.
Because she'd accepted Luan Nian's gift.
The gift was too hot to hold. Refusing it felt wrong, and accepting it felt wrong too. She wasn't like Lumi, the type who'd say "screw you" to anyone or anything she didn't like. And she wasn't like Sun Yu either, the type to accept something and feel perfectly entitled to it. She was stuck somewhere in between, neither up nor down.
She carried the bag inside. Sun Yu was washing her face. Seeing that something was off with Shang Zhitao, she wiped her face and came over.
Shang Zhitao shrugged at Sun Yu, pursed her lips, and walked into the bedroom. Sun Yu followed her in. "Why aren't you happy?"
"I can't explain it."
"What did he say?"
"He didn't say anything."
"I know what he wanted to say." Sun Yu sat down on the edge of her bed. "Shang Zhitao, you know I used to be in sales, right? Back then we handled client relationships every day. We'd give clients gifts. If they refused, we figured we probably couldn't land that client, and we'd be extra careful with them going forward. If they accepted, we'd relax. That client belonged to us."
"Right, and I accepted it, so I'll keep his secret."
"Then why are you upset?"
"I don't know."
"I know." Sun Yu pulled Shang Zhitao down to sit beside her, put a hand on her shoulder, and said, "Even if you're not sure right now, even if you won't admit it, the truth is, you like him."
Shang Zhitao bit her lip, and a tear fell without warning.
"Look at you, crying." Sun Yu wiped the tear away. "I've known you a few months now. You're not the type to have a one-night stand with someone. You joke around and tell me you just like his body, but Shang Zhitao, you're not the type to sleep with someone you don't like."
"I don't like him. I'm just embarrassed." Shang Zhitao wiped her eyes. "If only I had a lot of money, I could have slept with him and left a stack of cash on his nightstand, instead of letting him beat me to it and give me a bag first." That was what made her angriest.
"There you go!" Sun Yu clapped. "Now that's got some backbone. So don't you want to open it and see?"
Shang Zhitao shook her head. "I'll leave it closed. I don't want to."
"Then just leave it there."
"Right."
Shang Zhitao now owned her first luxury item, but she never opened it. She wasn't even curious which style Luan Nian had chosen. None of that mattered to her. What mattered was that she knew: she could never let something like that happen again. Never anything more with Luan Nian.
That night she couldn't sleep. She watched a movie on her computer and browsed a forum along the way. She found a group post: a trip to Labagoumen to see the autumn leaves. That sounded wonderful. She sent the link to Sun Yu. "Want to go see the leaves? Autumn's almost over!"
"Sure."
They signed up online right away. The next morning she got up early and rushed to the bus station, where she saw a crowd in hiking jackets and boots, many carrying cameras. Shang Zhitao didn't have a real camera, just a compact one Xin Zhaozhou had given her. It struck her suddenly that her weekends shouldn't be only work and studying. There should be room for other fun things too.
Like Sun Yu always said: "We're here to live, not just to survive."
Back then Shang Zhitao was young, and to her surviving and living were the same thing. Later she came to understand the difference. Surviving was getting by. Living was chasing something you wanted. She eventually became someone who understood how to live, because living brought joy, while merely surviving brought endless pain.
While surviving, carving out a little time to actually live was a reward you gave yourself.
She walked along the mountain path, looking down at the red leaves spread through the woods, the last color of autumn in this world.