Shang Zhitao's hands stopped moving on the keyboard. She looked up at Luan Nian.
"I don't understand," she said. "What do you mean, take care of him together?"
Luan Nian looked at her for a long moment. "Can we talk about this after Luke's done with his IV?"
"Fine."
Shang Zhitao felt unsettled. It had been a long time since she'd felt this way, unable to focus on anything, her thoughts scattered by a single sentence from him.
Neither of them spoke again. When Luke's drip finished, he refused to walk on his own and whined to be carried. Luan Nian picked him up and carried him home. Along the way, more than a few people stared, and some had unkind things to say. "Bet he doesn't take this much care of his own parents."
"Mind your own business. Something wrong with you?" Luan Nian never let comments like that slide. He shot the words right back without hesitation. "Worry about yourself."
Shang Zhitao knew him well enough. He had always been like this, never willing to swallow even the smallest slight. She agreed the comments were unkind, but she'd learned to pretend not to hear them. Even the uglier rumors the neighbors spread about her, she had never once thought to confront anyone over. That, she supposed, was simply the difference between them.
They got inside and Luan Nian set Luke down. Fresh off his IV, the dog was listless, lying flat on the floor without moving. When Shang Zhitao tried to get him to drink water and he wouldn't, panic rose in her chest and tears started falling.
She used to never cry in front of Luan Nian. Now she no longer clenched her jaw to hold the tears back. Luan Nian had regretted, more times than he could count, that he hadn't held her the time she broke down in front of him back then. He wasn't going to let that happen again.
He put his hands on her shoulders and pulled her into him.
Not the kind where her head rested against him with space still between their bodies. A real embrace.
Luke got to his feet, apparently wanting to make some noise, and Luan Nian's hand, still resting on Shang Zhitao's back, pointed a finger down and tapped lightly: lie down.
Luke had been scolded by Luan Nian enough times to know exactly what that meant. He lay back down and watched them quietly.
Satisfied, Luan Nian turned his full attention back to holding her. The scent of her hair was doing something to his head, and it was hard to stop there without doing something more. His hand slid up into her hair and cupped her face. Her tears hadn't dried yet. Their breath mixed together as he looked down at her, and there was something heavy and clinging in his eyes that made her uneasy.
He lowered his head and his lips brushed hers. Afraid she'd pull away, he drew back, then came in again, back and forth, until finally he stayed there, pressing deeper, his tongue parting her teeth.
Luan Nian was still Luan Nian.
He could hold himself back from touching her, play the gentleman for years, but he had already sentenced her a thousand times over in his own head. Expecting him to take things slow now was a fantasy.
Once his tongue crossed that line, the arrogance he usually kept buttoned under a civilized exterior broke loose, running rampant through every corner of her mouth. His breathing quickened, and he suddenly crushed her against him so hard that she collided with something hard and snapped back to her senses. She shoved at him. He wouldn't let go. She bit down on his lip, and with everything she had, she finally tore herself free.
The two of them faced off in the dim room. There was fire in Luan Nian's eyes, the kind that could burn Shang Zhitao to nothing. She pressed a hand to her lips and glared at him. "This is what you wanted to talk about?"
"Yes!"
"Is this how you talk things over with someone?"
"So what if it is?"
"..."
"That's not talking, that's you acting like a pervert!"
"Is this the first day you've known me?"
"If that's how you want to talk, then forget it, I'm not talking to you!"
"Fine!"
Luan Nian put his coat on and headed for the door. His hand landed on the handle, but he couldn't leave it at that. He turned around, slowly took the coat back off, dropped it on the sofa, and walked toward Shang Zhitao one step at a time.
She was scared. She had never seen him like this. She backed away two steps before he pinned her against the wall of books, and she let out a soft gasp before his lips closed over hers. He wanted her too badly to keep taking things slow. He was too old for that. What was there left to wait for?
He lifted her off the ground, his body pressing hard against hers, sealing her mouth with his and grinding his hips against her with force. She let out a small cry with nowhere to escape, hating him with everything in her, and bit down hard on the corner of his lip. The taste of blood spread between them. Luan Nian pulled back slightly, calming himself, and looked at her with dark, simmering eyes. Through gritted teeth he said, "If it weren't for wanting the rest of my life with you, I would settle this with you right now and get it out of my system."
They both knew exactly what he meant. That involuntary cry she'd let out was her body surrendering, even as her heart still wanted to resist.
He kissed her once more, then set her down, ran his tongue over the cut at the corner of his lip, and wiped it with his thumb like some kind of thug.
Shang Zhitao was still shaken by what he'd said about the rest of his life. She couldn't speak for a while. She slipped away from the space between him and the wall, went to stand by Luke, and pointed at the door. "Go get a hotel room."
"I'm not going."
"This is my apartment!"
"Luke's not better yet. I'm not leaving."
The moment Luke came up, her fire went out. If something happened with the dog overnight, she'd be terrified. No matter how tough she was out in the world, no matter how fast she could make major decisions, the moment she came home and Luke was involved, she turned soft.
"Then go sleep in the guest room!" she snapped at him.
"I haven't even had dinner. Is this how you treat a guest?" he snapped back, pulled off his sweater, put on a white T-shirt, and walked into the kitchen.
Shang Zhitao mocked him silently. Layering clothes, keeping up with the young people's trends, how impressive. But she didn't have the nerve to mock him to his face right now. She was afraid he'd turn back into that animal from a minute ago, and she wasn't sure she could stop him. She grabbed her laptop, sat down next to Luke, and got back to her online work, glancing up at him now and then. Broad shoulders, a trim waist, a nice line to his hips. Even from behind, he didn't look like someone you'd want to mess with.
She thought again about what he'd said, if it weren't for wanting the rest of his life with her, and decided the man simply couldn't say anything nice without wrecking it. She rested her hand on Luke's head and murmured to him, "Your dad's not a decent person. Your dad has a filthy mouth. Should we poison him so he can't talk anymore?"
Luke clearly disagreed. He sat up and barked once in protest, startling her. "What are you barking for!"
"He's sick, he can bark if he wants. Why are you snapping at him?" Luan Nian came out of the kitchen and said to her, "Be gentler with Luke."
...
Luan Nian went back into the kitchen. There was still some food left in the fridge from what he'd bought earlier. He stewed a fish, braised some ribs, and started on two more dishes. The greens had just hit the hot oil with a sharp hiss when Shang Zhitao heard the front door. She looked up and saw Lao Shang and Da Zhai walking in with bags in their hands.
Luan Nian heard the noise and poked his head out of the kitchen. He and her parents looked at each other across the quiet room.
Shang Zhitao rushed to explain. "Luke's sick. He came to help take care of him."
"Hello, sir. Hello, ma'am." Luan Nian greeted them politely and stood there without flinching. He wasn't afraid of anyone giving him a hard time. In his whole life, only a handful of people had that right, and Shang Zhitao's parents were certainly on that list.
"Mom, Dad, what are you two doing here?"
"Not many customers at the shop today," Da Zhai said, then caught herself. "Are we not allowed to come?"
"You are."
Lao Shang walked into the kitchen with his hands clasped behind his back and found it full of steam and smells. Even cooking, Luan Nian had standards, insisting on color, aroma, and flavor all at once, refusing to cut corners even for a simple meal.
"That's about to burn." Lao Shang pointed at the pan of greens, then stepped back out and gave Da Zhai a wink, smirking to himself.
Since they'd all ended up there anyway, they might as well eat together.
It was an awkward sort of dinner. Luan Nian hadn't won Shang Zhitao over yet, so he wasn't officially her boyfriend, just Luke's co-caretaker. So the whole meal, the conversation stayed on Luke.
Luan Nian finally understood where Shang Zhitao's good manners came from. Her parents had raised her well. Even the day Da Zhai learned who he really was, she hadn't been rude to him once. She'd simply set a plate of peanuts in front of him and never said a hurtful word.
The three of them sitting together looked like a real family. Da Zhai sat straight and proper in her chair. Lao Shang was a little more relaxed, though even he didn't slouch the way he normally would.
Lao Shang asked Luan Nian, "Want a drink?"
"Sure."
"You are not allowed to drink!" You're not even her son-in-law, what are you drinking for? In that room, four people and one dog, and Shang Zhitao could only manage herself. Nobody else listened to her, not even Luke, who argued back with her plenty.
Lao Shang deliberately kept pouring for Luan Nian, curious to see how he handled his liquor. Luan Nian knew exactly what was going on and drank anyway when Lao Shang told him to. By the end of the meal, they'd gone through a full jin of baijiu between them, seven liang for Luan Nian and three for Lao Shang. Afterward, Luan Nian's words started slurring, but his logic stayed intact, and there wasn't a hint of temper in him.
When Lao Shang and Da Zhai were getting ready to head home, they asked Luan Nian, "Which hotel are you staying at?"
"The one nearby."
"Walk out with us?"
"Sure."
Luan Nian got up, put his coat on, and walked out with them, swaying slightly. On his way out, he called back to Shang Zhitao, "It's cold. Don't come out to see us off."
Lao Shang and Da Zhai watched him walk into the hotel and left feeling reassured. Ten minutes later, a man walked out of that same hotel, his face a little flushed but his steps perfectly steady, and headed straight for Shang Zhitao's building. Lao Shang had underestimated him. That amount of alcohol was nothing. However many years Luan Nian had spent building up his tolerance, he could still hold half a jin of baijiu as a baseline even after a night with the whole army.
He went upstairs, punched in the door code himself, and walked in. Shang Zhitao had just changed into her pajamas and came out at the sound of the lock, staring at him in surprise. With a look that said there was nothing she could do about it, he took off his coat, went to get his suitcase, opened it, pulled out his sleepwear, and headed for the guest room to change. Hearing her footsteps follow him, he smirked, then pulled his T-shirt off in one motion, revealing a body that looked exactly as good as it should.
Shang Zhitao had just reached the doorway when she caught sight of this, and her face went hot with color, right as she met his teasing eyes. "Want me to take off another piece for you?" His hand went to his own waistband, and he drew it slowly out and let it drop to the floor.
Driven half mad by him, Shang Zhitao didn't even notice she'd echoed his own line back at him. "Something wrong with you!" She turned and walked away.
It was the first time since their reunion that the two of them had slept under the same roof. Luan Nian in the guest room, Shang Zhitao in the master bedroom. Late into the night, neither of them could sleep, both listening to the quiet outside. Luan Nian's heart was pounding against his chest, and he laughed at himself. "You're not twenty years old anymore, damn it. What are you so nervous about."
How could he not be nervous. The woman he thought about day and night was right across the hall, and sleep wasn't coming. He finally got up to get some water, and after drinking it, he went looking for Shang Zhitao. Her door wasn't locked. After all these years, she still trusted him that much.
Luan Nian pushed the door open. Behind him, a single night light glowed in the living room, just that one small light. Shang Zhitao lay in bed, not daring to move a muscle.
In the dim light, he could see how nervous she was pretending not to be, and he couldn't help a quiet laugh. Then he stopped and said to her, "Shang Zhitao, I know you're not asleep. Let me say a few things. You don't have to answer."
"After you left, I thought everything through clearly. I know how much pain you were in during those years we were together. I know that when you started things with me, it wasn't because you wanted a bed partner. It was because you loved me."
"I know I was despicable, taking advantage of your love to do whatever I wanted with you. But what I want to say is, the first time I truly fell for you was that day I walked into the coffee shop and saw you sitting there. You didn't look like someone from this era at all."
"I'm exactly that kind of rotten man, that bad man, the one who put you through years of misery. But I want you to know, during those years, what I felt for you was real too. I know you could tell."
"When I said I wanted to help take care of Luke with you, that was real. But honestly, what I want most is to be the one taking care of you and Luke both. There's still a long road ahead of us. I don't think I need to rush. I'll take it slow."
Shang Zhitao's eyes grew hot, and her nose felt tight. She lay perfectly still, taking in everything he'd said. She had wondered, more times than she could count, whether she hadn't deserved to be loved back in her twenties. Later she came to realize that the thing she was most grateful for was that no matter what she went through back then, she had kept her independence intact. Later still, through countless windswept, snow-buried nights in Bingcheng, she found herself thinking back on the time she'd spent with Luan Nian, and she knew, in the end, that he really had loved her.
"I'm sorry. For everything that happened back then."
Luan Nian said this, then walked out and gently closed the door behind him.