The night was deep and quiet. In such silence, every honest word is easier to hear. Every sincere heart is easier to see.
Shang Zhitao cried alone under the covers. Outside, heavy snow bent the bare branches; another winter had come. She wiped away her tears, but they kept coming. She had thought she rarely cried anymore these past few years, yet she had broken down in front of Luan Nian several times now.
Luan Nian's words from moments ago had poured into her ears and filled her heart. She was finally willing to admit that, back then, they really had loved each other. It was just that they had both been such a mess at the time, one of them curled up inside a shell of self-abasement, the other wrapped in armor.
In the period right after she'd come back to Ice City, everything had spun out of control. She didn't know how long it had taken her to get her life back on track. And now Luan Nian's words had shattered the balance she'd worked so hard to build. He was always like this. The moment he appeared, he forced you to break something.
In the middle of the night, thirsty, she got up to boil water. The kettle began to hiss, and she heard the door of the second bedroom open. Luan Nian was awake too.
The two of them looked at each other in the glow of the night light. In the end, Shang Zhitao looked away.
She didn't even know how it happened.
It seemed she had only blinked, and Luan Nian was already in front of her, trapping her against the counter and kissing her.
His tongue burned across her skin, his teeth pressed into her neck, and he asked, voice rough, "Does it hurt?"
"A little." Shang Zhitao turned her head to find his lips, trying to escape the wave of feeling his mouth was pulling out of her.
"Bear it." Luan Nian told her to take it, his tongue trailing over the skin behind her ear. He picked her up and carried her toward her bedroom, dropping her onto the bed. The mattress sank and sprang back, and he was already coming down over her.
Shang Zhitao heard his heavy breathing and her body went rigid. In the dim light she looked into his eyes and saw a fire burning there, like a wild animal.
"Where are the condoms, Zhitao?" Luan Nian asked her.
"There aren't any."
... "Fuck."
Luan Nian swore, and Shang Zhitao's body, rising and falling with her breath, pressed close against him.
She felt hollow, unfinished.
When she was alone she never noticed it. Sometimes she was so busy that the moment she fell into bed she was asleep. On the nights that were harder to get through, she would get up and go running instead.
But tonight Luan Nian had stirred her up and left her stranded, neither one thing nor the other. Her eyes welled with tears, sad and aggrieved.
Seeing this, something tightened in Luan Nian's chest. For once, even in bed, he let his guard down, his lips close to hers. "Is this not going to end well for you?"
Shang Zhitao didn't answer. Her tongue brushed his lips, and she couldn't have said herself whether she wanted him to stop or keep going.
Luan Nian suddenly laughed, caught her nose between his teeth, and trailed his mouth down along the line of her lips and her throat. The stubble on his jaw scraped against her skin, rough and stinging.
Shang Zhitao let out a small sound, tipping her head back, her fingers sliding into his hair.
The sound of Luan Nian swallowing cut through the silence of the night. Shang Zhitao couldn't bring herself to open her eyes for a long while, feeling as though her body no longer belonged to her, as though she had become a small trinket turned over and over in his hands until it gleamed, a piece of candy held in his mouth until it dissolved into sweetness. It felt almost too good.
When Luan Nian left her room, he looked a little rattled. She had asked whether he wanted to stay and sleep there, and his tone had been anything but pleasant. "So are we sleeping or not?" Without protection, holding her like that and being able to do nothing about it was as good as torture.
They each worked through what was left of their own feelings, giving each other space and not bothering one another again, and got through the rest of the night that way.
The next morning they both woke up exhausted. When they crossed paths in the living room, Luan Nian took her face in his hands and kissed her forehead. Shang Zhitao pulled her head back, and heard him warn her, "Try dodging one and see what happens."
Shang Zhitao really did stand still after that, not daring to move, letting him kiss her forehead, then her nose, and finally brush her lips. "Osmanthus milk? An egg roll? Pan fried steak?"
"Any of those. What are you doing today?"
"I have to catch a midday flight. A few of the board members got into Beijing last night, and there's a dinner tonight."
Shang Zhitao nodded. "Oh, right. Safe travels."
"Are you trying to get rid of me?"
"I'm not." Shang Zhitao ran into the bathroom and shut the door. By the time she came out, Luan Nian had already made breakfast. When he saw her hanging back, he said, "Come here."
He was back to being his true self, expecting everything to go his way, though plenty had changed too. For instance, when Shang Zhitao finally sat down at the table, Luan Nian pinched her cheek. "Did you marry the bathroom?"
...
"What were you doing in there? Contemplating your life?"
"Can the bathroom bring you clients?"
"Have you never slept with me before?"
He was clearly annoyed at how long she'd taken.
Shang Zhitao pursed her lips, drinking her milk while watching him.
"What are you looking at?" Luan Nian asked her. "Do you want to talk some more?"
"Talk like we started yesterday, or talk like we did last night?" Shang Zhitao asked him. She hadn't bitten lightly the day before; the corner of his mouth was split.
"Either works." Luan Nian's eyes swept over the front of her clothes, and he raised an eyebrow. Shang Zhitao followed his gaze and found her robe hanging open at the collar. She grabbed it shut at once. "Where are you looking!"
"So going in the same order as yesterday works fine for me."
...
Shang Zhitao, unable to out-flirt him, resorted to being difficult instead. "I like talking with little brother." Not caring for her own safety, she pulled out her phone, found a few photos, and held them up for Luan Nian to see. "Isn't a brother like this good enough?"
"Plenty good. Go find him then." Luan Nian finished eating and went to change for the airport, with Luke trailing after him, wagging his tail. Luan Nian crouched down to say goodbye to the dog. "I'll be back in a couple of days."
He stood back up and said to Shang Zhitao, "Come here."
"No."
"Come here." He reached out and pulled her in front of him. "You don't have to be afraid of me. I'm not going to eat you. If you don't want it, I won't do anything."
Shang Zhitao knew he was talking nonsense. If she gave him even one look, he'd take the chance to devour her completely. He was that kind of old fox, and she knew it perfectly well.
Luan Nian went on. "And one more thing. Don't go falling for little brother. Little brothers are the best liars there are."
Shang Zhitao burst out laughing despite herself.
"So what are we to each other right now?" Luan Nian asked her.
"Good friends."
"Fine, good friends." Luan Nian caught her face in his hand. He had always liked doing that, pinching her cheeks until her mouth pursed into an "o." He leaned down, his lips almost touching hers, then pulled back. "Good friends don't kiss." He turned and walked out.
After his meetings, Luan Nian drove straight to the old house in the city where Dr. Liang and his father lived.
Their parents' generation liked keeping friends too, holding onto the same circle their whole lives, working together, buying homes together. Back then they used to say that once they got old they'd all find a place to live together. In the end, they'd all come back to Beijing instead.
The old folks had a good eye for investments. The compound, built in the late 1980s, sat right next to the best school district, with full amenities nearby and easy transportation. Dr. Liang and Luan Nian's father lived there comfortably. Luan Nian came to see them twice a week, and on weekends when he was in town he'd bring them to stay at his house. But over the past year or so, except when Ice City was under lockdown or Beijing restricted travel out of the city, he spent nearly every weekend making the trip to Ice City instead, with such enthusiasm that it looked like he meant to settle there for good.
Walking in, he was greeted by the smell of cooking. His father was studying a scroll of calligraphy.
Luan Nian walked over and glanced at it. "Chen Kuannian's been by?" Chen Kuannian dealt in both collectibles and import export trade. Over the past year or so, the trade side hadn't been going well, so he'd thrown himself entirely into collectibles instead. He'd set his sights, one by one, on the calligraphy and paintings the old folks had treasured for years.
His father snorted. "You young people and your little schemes, still thinking you can get one over on us. He came by, and I chased him off. His father already told him, next time he shows up here, he's not getting through the door."
"Prices are good right now." Luan Nian still owed Chen Kuannian a favor, and at the moment he was acting a bit like an unfilial son, half hoping to hand his father's scrolls over to Chen Kuannian.
His father raised a hand as if to swat him. Luan Nian pretended not to notice.
At dinner, Dr. Liang noticed the split at the corner of Luan Nian's mouth and asked, "What happened to your mouth? Craving meat?"
"A dog bit me." Luan Nian suddenly remembered the small sound Shang Zhitao had made, and thought that the board members had shown up at exactly the wrong time. If not for them, he could have gotten to hear more of those sounds today.
Luan Nian could be aggressive when he wanted to be. The relationship itself could take its time, but Shang Zhitao herself, he intended to have without delay.
"What kind of dog bites like that?" Dr. Liang leaned in for a closer look and clicked his tongue.
For once, Luan Nian actually blushed, turning his head away from the look he was getting.
Dr. Liang chuckled. "So now can I call Shang Zhitao?"
"No."
"When will I be able to, then?" Dr. Liang asked.
"I don't know."
After the three of them finished eating, Luan Nian had tea with his father and pulled out his phone to check whether Shang Zhitao had messaged him. She hadn't, as expected.
No message, but she had posted a selfie to her feed instead: collar slightly open, her long neck leading down to the pale skin of her chest, the lighting just right, casting a shadow across her chest.
Luan Nian suddenly felt a flash of anger. What kind of photo was this to post!
He was about to snap at her, then realized something was off. He wrote in a group chat, "Send me a screenshot of Shang Zhitao's feed."
No one understood what he meant, but they sent him a screenshot anyway, and the photo wasn't there. Luan Nian laughed. Shang Zhitao had really come up in the world. She'd learned how to pull a sneak attack.
Luan Nian opened a shopping app, ordered a box of condoms, and sent Shang Zhitao a screenshot. "Put these somewhere by your bed you can reach without getting up."
"Refusing delivery."
"Using me and tossing me aside?"
Shang Zhitao sent back an image captioned "Our friendship is completely pure."
Luan Nian didn't reply. He had no patience for pointless talk. What was there to say? Better to say it in person, or better yet, say nothing at all and just get on with it. Talking was a waste of time.
Luan Nian felt like he'd turned into some kind of pervert.
In all his years, he had never felt this restless before. His mind was full of nothing but Shang Zhitao, and every extra day of waiting felt like it might kill him.
On Thursday, he ran into Lumi in the elevator. Her eyes landed on him, swept over him once, and darted away again, as if she'd caught a glimpse of some great secret.
Luan Nian went straight for the kill. "I heard Will's getting remarried?"
Lumi glared at him. He pretended not to notice.
"I don't know whether Will's getting remarried, but I'm getting married. You know how it is, I have nothing to my name, just a few rundown properties. So I'll just find someone else with a few rundown properties, that's a proper match." Before stepping out of the elevator, she added, "Oh, by the way, you probably don't know this yet. Taotao likes a younger brother type."
"I'm serious." Not caring what might happen to her, Lumi added one more thing. "Old Shang and Big Zhai don't have any requirements for who Taotao dates, except one: he can't be more than three years older than her."
Lumi really knew how to hit a nerve. Not that she cared. She strode off in her tall boots.
Luan Nian followed behind her, watching the defiant swagger in her stride, and scoffed inwardly.
What the hell "little brother"!
At lunch with the client, he saw that Song Ying was there too.
Song Ying had padded her resume at Lingmei, but in the end had gone to work for her father's company. Luan Nian had heard word that the national anti-corruption investigations were about to reach their doorstep. But he showed no reaction. It had nothing to do with him. All he cared about was when the final payment would come through.
During the meal, Song Ying sat beside Luan Nian. Everyone could read her father's intention to match them up, and a few jokes about the handsome man and beautiful woman inevitably followed.
Luan Nian turned his wine glass upside down and stopped drinking.
Everyone knew Luan Nian's temperament, Song's father included. He laughed it off. "Never mind the kids' business. Has the final payment gone through the process yet?" he asked Song Ying.
"It has."
"Good, then."
Once Luan Nian had turned his glass over, he didn't drink another drop. He wasn't worried that Song Ying wouldn't pay the final balance; he'd only come today out of business courtesy. Still, the sooner the payment cleared, the better. If an investigation into them started, collecting the debt afterward would get much harder.
They got through the meal with that kind of hollow politeness, and just as it was ending he asked Song Ying, "How many days until the final payment arrives?"
"About three days. Finance has already submitted the payment request."
"Good. Thanks for the trouble." Luan Nian gave her a smile.
"Luan Nian, I want to say a few things to you." Song Ying suddenly stopped him.
"What is it?" Luan Nian looked at her.
"I'm very grateful for how you looked out for me during the two years I worked at Lingmei, and for everything you taught me. But what I most want to say is that what I feel for you isn't only the respect an employee has for a boss. It's something more."
"And?"
"I know about you and Flora. I happened to see your chat window on Flora's computer once, by accident. But Flora left years ago. I wanted to ask you, could we be something other than what we are now?"
The truth was, Luan Nian's memory of Song Ying's looks and personality was hazy at best. What he remembered was her talent.
At twenty two she'd been brilliantly talented, a genuinely rare find. That was why he'd been willing to give her so many opportunities, and why he believed she could succeed. But Luan Nian had no taste for people who chased quick results at any cost.
Every piece of work needed careful polishing, and so did a person's character. It was a character worth turning over and savoring that drew him in. Song Ying knew how to polish her work, but she had never polished herself. That was a real shame.
"No." Luan Nian's manner didn't change at all. This sudden confession hadn't unsettled him in the least. He'd been through this enough times, turned down enough people, that he handled it easily. "Since you've seen my chats with Flora, you're bound to ask whether I'd have chosen you if Flora didn't exist. The answer is no. With Flora, I was the one who went after her first. With you, I've never had any interest in going after you at all." He shrugged. "I just don't like you that way."
Song Ying had always been proud. She'd grown up her parents' little princess, doted on and cradled, always fighting to come first at everything. She'd asked her father to get her placed at Lingmei specifically so she could work with Luan Nian. On her first day, when he introduced her around the department, he mentioned everyone else in an offhand, breezy way, everyone except Shang Zhitao, whom he told her specifically to learn from.
When they went out for the project in the northwest, Luan Nian and Shang Zhitao's car had been almost twenty minutes late, and that had left her uneasy.
Song Ying wanted to win.
Shang Zhitao was so ordinary, and losing to someone like that was something she couldn't accept.
She thought she'd simply used her resources and talent, as she rightfully should, to beat someone ordinary. She never realized that every ordinary person who works hard deserves respect all the same.
"Thank you for telling me all this, Luke. I don't know when I'll see you again, but if it's possible, I'd still like the chance to work with you sometime. I've really enjoyed it." When she finished speaking, she held out her hand to him. Luan Nian kept his hands in his pockets and didn't take them out. He wasn't the kind of person who felt obligated to be polite.
Once Luan Nian got in the car, he made a report call. "I want to report someone. She may be attempting to move a large amount of assets overseas."
Luan Nian had never really been a good man, nor a truly bad one. Song Ying's words had been indirect, but someone as sharp as him had caught the meaning hidden underneath them.
Luan Nian held grudges. Plenty of things didn't need to be settled right away. If something couldn't be dealt with in the moment, sooner or later the day would come when it could be. In the end, he still liked to think of himself as a good citizen.
By Friday, he flew back to Ice City.
Once inside, Luke came running to greet him.
For once, Shang Zhitao had gotten home early. She had already showered and was about to put on a face mask. When she heard the click of the door's passcode lock, her hand paused, and her breath caught for a moment.
She suddenly regretted wearing that camisole nightgown and started to get up to close the door and change, but Luan Nian's arm was already there, blocking her. He came in right behind it.
"Luan Nian, let's talk." Shang Zhitao pulled her robe on and stepped back toward the bed.
"All right, let's talk."
Luan Nian lowered his head and undid his shirt buttons, unhurried, but with something dangerous in the motion.
"Let's put our clothes on properly and talk."
"Sure."
He said sure, but he tossed his shirt onto the wooden chair, the muscles across his body shifting with the movement. It was as if they knew exactly how good they looked and refused to get out of Shang Zhitao's sight.
"Put your shirt back on."
"I will."
Luan Nian pulled his belt free with a snap and let it drop to the floor too.
Shang Zhitao watched him, tense.
That year, at his place, had been their first time. Luan Nian had looked at her with a gaze she couldn't quite read, and they'd been in such a hurry they hadn't even undressed properly. She had been tense that time too, but not like this.
"Let's talk, then."
He pulled her toward him and slid her robe down to her elbows, his eyes settling on the front of her nightgown. The kind of front that tried to cover up and only drew more attention instead.
"Luan Nian."
"Mm."
Luan Nian reached over and turned off the light without looking, his fingertips resting on her collarbone, then moving outward to the thin strap of her nightgown. He slid his palm underneath, between the strap and her skin. Years of lifting weights had left a thin callus across his palm, and she felt it against her shoulder.
It felt like a slow execution.
The man who'd been in such a desperate hurry suddenly wasn't in any hurry at all. The night was long, and the weekend stretched on after it. What was there to rush for? He meant to take his time.