Shang Zhitao's hand still held his wrist, her palm damp. After hearing what Luan Nian said, she was still for a few seconds, then let go.
She felt humiliated.
Shang Zhitao couldn't understand why they could never seem to get close. The mood just now had been so good, her heart had felt warm, she'd wanted to hug him, to talk to him about all sorts of things, but one sentence from him had ruined everything.
Luan Nian pulled out a tissue and wiped his hands, then got out of the car and walked a good distance, all the way to the edge of the grass, unscrewed the cap of his water bottle, and poured water over his hands to wash them. Shang Zhitao watched him and suddenly felt this whole adventurous trip hadn't amounted to much.
Luan Nian had never doubted that Shang Zhitao loved him, but he minded that she wavered. He had never been a perfect man; in this relationship, he had an intense possessiveness.
He got back in the car. The silence inside was strange, so quiet that they could each hear the other's heartbeat.
Shang Zhitao didn't want to fight. She sat like that for a few minutes, letting the hurt in her chest dissipate, then cleared her throat and said to him, "Shall we go?"
Luan Nian made a sound of assent, his eyes still fixed on the window.
Shang Zhitao picked up speed, and the car raced down the highway. She didn't say another word. They arrived only fifteen minutes after the other car. When they parked, Luan Nian said, "Northwest China's really good for practicing driving skills."
"It's alright," Shang Zhitao replied, and got out quickly, fleeing the suffocating discomfort of being alone together.
The place they'd chosen was a local restaurant known for its specialties. The colleagues stationed locally had all come, eight or nine people in all. As project manager, Shang Zhitao was their acting supervisor for the trip.
Everyone sat together around one table. Luan Nian looked at them all and found he could barely put names to faces.
Shang Zhitao thought this was a rare opportunity, so she suggested, "It's not easy for Luke and Yilia to come all this way. Why don't we go around and introduce ourselves? Tell everyone a bit about yourselves, and about projects you've worked on." She was giving everyone a chance to be seen.
Shang Zhitao was easy to get along with, and in the time she'd been there, she'd already built good relationships with the team. "Why don't we start with Shelly?"
Most of the colleagues stationed in the northwest were locals, and northwesterners tended to be forthright. Their self-introductions were lively and entertaining; the women were sharp-tongued, the men bold and hearty. Luan Nian could see that they all trusted and respected Shang Zhitao.
Luan Nian listened attentively to everyone, occasionally asking about difficulties they'd encountered in their work, and about whether the company's benefits were actually being implemented locally. These were things everyone cared about, and it made them feel that Luke was someone worth trusting.
After the introductions, Shang Zhitao said to Luan Nian, "The government officials here aren't fond of English names."
"Fine, I'll remember the Chinese names. I have a good memory. Zhitao." He called her Zhitao, and it sounded natural. Then he asked her, "Is it all right if I call you that, Flora?"
"Of course, Luke."
Both of them were composed, as if they'd forgotten what had happened in the car. In fact, Luan Nian hadn't said much in the car; one sentence from him was enough to ruin any mood. But Shang Zhitao was used to it.
It seemed she never got the chance, to be dressed beautifully, sitting with Luan Nian in a Western restaurant, laughing as she talked while he watched her closely. No matter the setting, she'd never had a moment like that. Being with him always felt like chaos.
After the meal, Shang Zhitao took Luan Nian and Song Ying to the local office. She had her own office there, small but with good sunlight. She'd bought a few pots of flowers to keep it from feeling too plain; the desk and chairs were plain wood, everything clean and simple.
Song Ying looked around and said admiringly, "Flora's office really is minimalist."
"Thanks. The budget's limited, so I had to keep it simple."
Once the two of them were settled, Shang Zhitao brought out her laptop to go over tomorrow's meeting schedule with them. Government leaders were careful about pacing and procedure in meetings, and rarely deviated from either; every meeting was also quite formal. Song Ying had never dealt with the government before, and this part was really meant for her.
Shang Zhitao didn't want to avoid teaching Song Ying just because she was more gifted. She hoped Song Ying could get up to speed quickly, so she wouldn't hold the project back, and she also hoped Song Ying would grow quickly.
Song Ying took it in, and asked follow-up questions. "What about timing, when to speak up? What about taking the initiative?"
"When to speak really depends on the situation, but tomorrow I want to spend more time listening to what the client actually needs. At the project initiation stage, I want to make sure the direction is right. If the direction is wrong, everything falls apart." Shang Zhitao laid out her approach and strategy.
Song Ying nodded. "Got it. My main goal tomorrow is to learn. Honestly, I also want to understand what the client really wants."
"Good. Thanks for your effort, Yilia." Shang Zhitao then began going over the backgrounds, preferences, and habits of the government officials who'd be attending tomorrow, mainly for Luan Nian's benefit. Luan Nian barely spoke, just listened quietly as she talked.
It was on this day that Luan Nian noticed Shang Zhitao's gift for management. She was open-minded, willing to share, and never put up walls against people out of habit. She actively sought out opinions and suggestions, actively pursued cooperation, and had a strong sense of purpose. She was easy to get along with, quick to bond with a team, and because she carried a certain humility with her, she was better able to sense what her subordinates were really feeling. She'd only just arrived in the northwest, and already the project team trusted her this much; that wasn't easy to achieve. Some of the team members had dealt with the local government for years and were over a decade older than her, and yet they were still willing to listen to her.
Shang Zhitao might well become an excellent manager one day.
On the way to the hotel, Song Ying said to Luan Nian, "I don't see much of her at the office, but today, spending almost a whole day with her, I can tell Flora is really something."
"Something how?"
"Reading people, using people well, managing, handling relationships. She's thorough about all of it. Being around her is comfortable." Song Ying's praise for Shang Zhitao was maybe eighty percent sincere, twenty percent the caution that comes with being new somewhere. You never know who's connected to whom, so Song Ying was careful.
Song Ying wasn't as confident as she appeared to everyone else, either. She liked competition, but she was also afraid of failure; she craved recognition from those in authority, and she liked being liked by everyone. Everyone has their weak points.
When Luan Nian got out of the car, he said to Shelly, "Would it be all right to leave the car with me? I want to go out for a drive tonight."
"Sure."
The county town was small, and Luan Nian didn't want to cause Shang Zhitao any trouble, so he set off around ten at night, heading for her place in the county. This time, there shouldn't be any Sun Yuanzhu.
Shang Zhitao looked a little startled when she opened the door, standing in the doorway, just looking at him.
"What? Is someone here? Can't I come in?" Luan Nian stood with his hands in his pockets. He hadn't actually done anything, but he still had an air of dominance about him.
Shang Zhitao stepped aside to let him in, then closed the door behind him. Luan Nian stood by the door and watched Shang Zhitao take out a brand new pair of slippers and set them in front of him. "I bought the kind you like, the material."
"Thanks."
Shang Zhitao's place in the northwest hadn't looked like much over video calls, but standing inside it now, he could really tell how small it was. Luan Nian was tall, and just sitting on the sofa, he seemed to take up most of the space.
Shang Zhitao boiled water for him in the kitchen, poking her head out to ask, "I only have goji berries here. Should I make you goji berry tea?"
"Just plain water."
Shang Zhitao wrinkled her nose. "Goji tea is really good."
"I don't like the taste of goji berries."
"Oh." Shang Zhitao took a sip of her own goji tea, then poured hot water into another cup for Luan Nian. He took a sip and set the cup aside. Shang Zhitao noticed he was looking down at his phone without speaking, and asked, "Are you unhappy?"
"You can tell?"
"...Yeah." Shang Zhitao was looking for a way to make peace. In the car, he'd said he hadn't missed her, and she felt it wasn't true. Luan Nian was the type who never admitted things easily. Shang Zhitao's natural gift for defusing bad moods kicked in again, and she asked him with a smile, "So why, then?"
"Probably because my girlfriend's living somewhere too small. What if I transfer you back? Send someone else here instead." Luan Nian didn't like her being here.
"Why?"
"What's so good about the northwest? You don't know anyone here, you don't know your way around."
"I'm not going back." Shang Zhitao refused him outright, a rare show of firmness and resolve in front of Luan Nian.
Shang Zhitao thought that everyone should have their own place and their own value. She didn't have any dazzling talent, but she had project management skills she'd built up through effort. She wanted to do this project because it could prove her ability.
Shang Zhitao knew that in this unforgiving world, there were probably gaps between people that could never be closed. But she was willing to become her own kind of scenery, to shine her own light. She didn't want to compare Luan Nian to anyone else's boyfriend, and she didn't want to compare herself to anyone else, either. Where in this world was there a perfect lover? Every relationship was something you had to work at for a long time.
Even though the journey had its risks, she still faced it with enthusiasm. Even knowing the road might not end in a happy ending, she wouldn't regret it when she looked back one day.
She sat across from Luan Nian with a determination she'd never shown before. Or maybe she'd always been this determined, she just hadn't realized it herself.
"I don't know why you keep telling me to come back. I want to know, are you telling me to come back as my boyfriend, or as my boss?"
"If it's as your boyfriend, then I want to tell you I'm not going back. I want you to respect my choice. I like this project, and I like it here."
"If it's as my boss, then I'll go back. But I don't know when I'll get another chance like this. I might end up mediocre for the rest of my career. You've seen it too, I don't have the advantage of youth anymore, and the new hires..." Shang Zhitao paused. "The new hires just keep getting better."
"My prime years are running out, Luan Nian. Maybe I'll be fine after thirty, after forty, but we have to admit, when we're young, the price we pay is smaller."
"This is the best chance I have to change my situation, and I don't want to give it up."
Shang Zhitao had almost never spoken to Luan Nian this openly before. In the past, she'd never been willing to lay her thoughts bare, because she knew Luan Nian could barely empathize with her. He might understand better the disappointments of a genius, but he couldn't understand her troubles.
Luan Nian said nothing the whole time. The cup of hot water had gone from scalding to room temperature, which took a while too. He asked Shang Zhitao, "What are you afraid of?"
"You've said all that, so tell me, what are you afraid of?"
"I'm not afraid of anything."
Luan Nian suddenly laughed. "Shang Zhitao, you won't admit it, but you're feeling inferior. You're looking for a track with fewer people on it, hoping that's how you can succeed. What else would you call that but insecurity? Confident people go run on the crowded track, certain they won't lose."
"Doesn't every road need someone to walk it?"
"I suppose. But there are some roads that people just don't want to walk." Luan Nian looked at Shang Zhitao; he understood her stubbornness better than anyone. "You have your own definition of success and how you want to live your life. I won't interfere with your choices. If you like it here, then stay here. I won't force you to come back. It's not as if I have nothing to do with my own days. We're two independent people, and we both have the right to choose the life we want." Luan Nian stood up. "Have I said too much today? Honestly, what I really wanted to say could be summed up in three words: suit yourself. Suit yourself, Shang Zhitao."
Luan Nian thought that Shang Zhitao's insistence on staying in the northwest really was, just as she'd said, about this project letting her see her own worth. But the reason the northwest gave her a sense of security was that the person who gave her that sense of security was here too.
Luan Nian saw people and situations with total clarity. He'd already noticed Shang Zhitao's wavering long before. But he didn't think it worth arguing with her about; there was no point.
He stood and walked toward the door. Shang Zhitao caught his hand and said, "Luan Nian, don't be like this. Can you let me finish what I have to say?" Shang Zhitao wanted to talk to him about her own worries, her own anxieties. Her eyes had gone a little red with the urgency of it.
"Say what? Tell me about hugging some man downstairs in the middle of the night, crying?" Luan Nian looked at Shang Zhitao. "You're really something. I open up my home to you, and you're spending the middle of the night alone with another man. You're quite the entertaining woman, you know that? On one hand you say you want to be with me, and on the other you keep looking for the next one. Do you think you've become charming enough to juggle a string of men?"
"What are you talking about?" Shang Zhitao asked him. "What do you mean, hugging and crying?"
Luan Nian pressed his lips tight and said nothing more, only looked at Shang Zhitao with a flat gaze, a disgust in his eyes that even he hadn't fully recognized.
Shang Zhitao didn't want to tear open Sun Yuanzhu's wounds in front of Luan Nian. She'd never once asked him about the photo Grace had sent her of him and Song Ying, or about the things Lumi had told her about Song Ying. Because she believed that even though they were together, they should still each keep their own independence as people.
She took out her phone and pulled up the photo of him eating with Song Ying, and asked him quietly, "Luan Nian, have I ever asked you why you were having dinner with another woman? No. Have I ever asked you why there are rumors about the two of you all over the company? No. Do you know why I never asked? Because I trust you. Because I think that even though we're together, we should each keep our own independent social circles, our own comfort zones. Isn't that what you taught me? So why is it that today, when I'm comforting a friend, you throw an accusation like that at me? Do we have to cut off contact with anyone of the opposite sex just because we're together?"
Luan Nian looked at the photo, then looked at Shang Zhitao. "You're right not to have asked. Do you know what the answer would have been if you had?"
"You can tell me the answer now."
"The truth might hurt. The answer is, I admire her, I'm glad to work with her, and even having dinner with her after work doesn't feel like a waste of time to me."
Shang Zhitao was quiet for a long time. It was an answer she'd already known. She understood Luan Nian too well. Over the past five years, she'd watched him constantly, observed him, tried to read his heart and his moods.
"I know. Your admiration for her is right out in the open, that's just who you are, and I've never been jealous, really. I'm asking you to look at my relationship with Sun Yuanzhu the same way, with reason. At a lot of the hardest points in my life, the people who've been there to help me, most of the time, have been him, Sun Yu, Lumi. I want you to understand, no matter how much I love you, I won't give up my friends for you. And I won't ask you to stop working with Song Ying, either."
"That's quite the fair exchange you're proposing. I hope you keep it." Luan Nian turned and walked out the door.
Shang Zhitao didn't try to keep him there. They'd both, of all things, only spoken the truth, and yet the truth was often the hardest thing to accept. It made her feel utterly foolish.
Still, she walked Luan Nian down to the ground floor, and carefully reminded him, "The meeting starts at 8:30 tomorrow morning. Government officials go into work early."
"Fine."
Shang Zhitao caught his wrist and said to him softly, "Luan Nian, I know you're angry. So am I. I also know we both need to calm down, since neither of us has done anything wrong. Drive carefully, and let me know when you get to the hotel, okay?"
Luan Nian went straight down the stairs without looking back. He drove back to the hotel, where he found Song Ying standing in the lobby. "What's going on, Yilia?"
"I was looking at the map hanging up here." Song Ying was studying the map. "What do you think this stretch of ravines looks like?"
"Like a dragon's spine." Without waiting for Luan Nian to answer, she went on, "I'm standing on this dragon's spine. What kind of story can we tell here? What does the client really want out of this cultural tourism project? I think I have my answer."
"Looking forward to hearing it tomorrow. Good luck."
Luan Nian went back to his room and saw that Shang Zhitao's profile picture sat there quietly. She hadn't said anything. This wasn't the reunion he'd been hoping for. In three days, he'd come to this place twice, nearly ten thousand kilometers in total. They should have been talking about something else, like what was good to eat here, what views were worth seeing, or just curled up together for a while in her tiny apartment. Instead, what had they ended up talking about? About how she could go ahead and see other men, and he could see other women, how they should both be upfront about it, how they should trust each other.
This was fucking absurd!
"Luan Nian, how did you know Sun Yuanzhu was crying? Did you come here? Were you here?" It was nearly two in the morning when Shang Zhitao sent him the message.
Luan Nian didn't reply. He watched Shang Zhitao typing for a long time before a few words finally came through: "I want to know why you came."
"I want to know why you were crying that day."
"Sun Yuanzhu seemed to be sick. His family member passed away, he wasn't in a good state, and he couldn't eat. I felt bad for him. He's a very, very good friend of mine, Luan Nian. I don't want you misunderstanding him, or misunderstanding us."
"Mm. I understand now."
"So you did come that day? Why did you come?"
"Because I suddenly missed you."