Luan Nian had been a menace since he was small.
The moment someone crossed him, he turned fiercely aggressive. Other children fought the way children do, a shove here, a shove there, nothing that ever drew blood. Not him. When he fought, he pinned the other kid down and hit him hard, again and again, on the head.
In the small city in the south, five and six year old Luan Nian was a name people flinched at. Whenever the elders finished lecturing their own children, they always tacked on the same line: "Stay away from Luan Nian." Or: "Don't provoke Luan Nian."
Being a child no one dared provoke, he was usually alone. He didn't mind. Being alone suited him fine, and he had no interest in playing with the other kids anyway. He found it strange how easily they burst into tears over nothing.
What he liked best was holed up in his grandfather's room.
His grandfather painted, having studied under a well known master in his youth, and seeing that Luan Nian took to it, he began teaching him. Even as a small child, Luan Nian could sit still for a good half a day at a stretch. Everyone thought it strange, that a boy so combative could also sit so quietly.
He had lacked sympathy for others since he was young. He couldn't understand why people felt things so intensely. Sometimes, walking through the streets of the small city, he'd see someone sitting by the road sobbing over something, a friend beside them wiping away tears in solidarity, and he would just frown, finding the whole scene bewildering.
A boy like that never really had a childhood.
It wasn't until he met Shang Zhitao that he learned to pay attention to someone. He had rarely paid attention to anyone before, and perhaps it was the way she'd first appeared that irritated him. She'd been utterly unremarkable on the interview call, and yet Tracy, who was normally scrupulously fair, had waved her through. Luan Nian was curious why Tracy would bend the rules for someone so ordinary. He told himself that was the reason he noticed her at all: the way she'd shown up.
It was the first time in his life he'd focused so intently on one person.
He'd pressured her, driven by some instinct he couldn't even name himself, wanting to see how long it would take before she gave up. But she was more resilient than he expected. Nervous, frightened, anxious, and still she wouldn't fold. Still refused to admit defeat.
How could a person like that exist?
Clumsy, but endearing. Timid, but liable to flare up without warning. Ordinary, but with flashes of a beauty she herself never seemed to notice.
In a tea restaurant in Guangzhou, he'd seen the pale, luminous skin at her collar, her cheeks faintly flushed, and something restless and possessive in him had stirred awake.
Slowly, he discovered that being around another person could actually feel comfortable. He'd only ever had a handful of close friends; everyone else he kept at arm's length. Even in relationships, he disliked being managed or interfered with. He hated feeling tied down. He was particular about people, difficult to please, and just as reluctant to indulge others as they were reluctant to indulge him. It was rare for him to feel at ease with anyone. Shang Zhitao had no sharp edges. She simply bloomed where she was, never demanding anything of others, never fixating on slights.
Luan Nian found that kind of ease novel.
As time went on, he began to feel something closer to tenderness for her. Her life had been a mess, and yet she always smiled through it, as if none of it mattered, as if losing just meant starting the level over, and she could afford to lose. When she was cheated by a black market agency, harassed by strangers, taken advantage of by coworkers, Luan Nian's only thought was: people like this, and you still go after them? Do you even count as human?
What kind of person was she, exactly? Probably just someone like Shang Zhitao: someone perpetually clear skied and sincere.
Luan Nian knew he was a bastard.
Cold blooded and violent since childhood, utterly ignorant of love, a man like him was, honestly, a disaster for someone like her. He had never once had much of a conscience, and yet with Shang Zhitao, guilt crept in.
For people he didn't care about, it didn't matter what kind of man he was or how poor his character. They had little or no overlap in their lives, so none of it could really hurt them. But Shang Zhitao was different. They had spent so long together, and she had suffered for it.
Luan Nian came to understand this slowly. He was grateful that she loved him. Love had changed him.
He once thought of a word for it: redemption.
All those small, seemingly insignificant things, accumulating bit by bit, filled in what had been a hollow shell of a person and gave him blood and flesh and feeling. It felt like a kind of salvation.
From the very beginning, she had been extraordinary.
From the very beginning, he had been a mess.
Later, watching how Song Qiuhan and Lin Chun'er were together, Luan Nian slowly came to understand where things had gone wrong between him and Shang Zhitao.
Loving someone was never something to be ashamed of. It should be done openly, honestly. It should involve real appreciation, real respect, communication as equals. And he had gotten it completely wrong, from start to finish.
Luan Nian was willing to learn, and he was grateful that Shang Zhitao had been willing to give him the chance. All that dazzles and gleams eventually settles into ordinary life, while the qualities that matter go on shining. Shang Zhitao was the one who never stopped shining, and in her, Luan Nian had finally found, in the second half of his life, the old fashioned kind of romance and tenderness that had always belonged to him, waiting.
If he could do it all again, he would want to stand beside her at every important moment and tell her: "You're remarkable. Keep going."
Keep going, Shang Zhitao.
And one more thing: stop being ashamed of how it started between us. I was the one who fell for you first.
===
Niantao fell sick for the first time in her life at thirteen months old.
That day, Luan Nian was away on a business trip, and Shang Zhitao was meeting a client. Dr. Liang called Shang Zhitao and said, "Don't panic. I've brought her fever down with a cold compress, but it'll probably come back. I just have to tell you."
"I know, Mom."
Shang Zhitao left the client's office and drove straight home. She found Niantao with a cooling patch stuck to her forehead, sprawled over Luke. Maybe it was the softness and warmth of Luke's fur; Niantao had her arms around his neck, comforting him the way the adults comforted her, mumbling, "Good boy," the words barely formed, drool still running down her chin.
Luan Mingrui sat nearby, his face dark. He was clearly annoyed about something.
"What happened?" Shang Zhitao whispered to Dr. Liang.
"Don't mind him," Dr. Liang said. "He wanted to take Niantao to the hospital, and I said no. I'm the doctor here. What business does he have making a fuss!"
"Oh."
Shang Zhitao washed her hands and picked Niantao up. The little girl was in good spirits. "Mama, Mama."
"You're sick, huh?"
Niantao patted her own forehead and pointed at her grandmother. "Nainai."
"Right, Grandma took care of you. Mama knows. Do you want to say thank you to Grandma for taking care of you?"
"Thank you." Niantao balled her little fists together and waved them at her grandmother.
"And Grandpa too!" Shang Zhitao reminded her.
"Thank you."
The words came out garbled, half formed. Luan Mingrui laughed despite himself, then gave a short huff, still put out about the hospital and the X-rays he hadn't gotten to insist on.
By the middle of the night, the fever came back, just as expected. Shang Zhitao was working through Dr. Liang's instructions to bring the temperature down when she heard Luke bark. Luan Nian was home.
He still carried the cold air of outside on him. He shed his coat downstairs, crouched down, and spoke to Luke. "Why are you still up? You're not young anymore, you shouldn't be staying up so late."
"Woof, woof, woof," Luke argued back, presumably insisting he hadn't been staying up.
Luan Nian laughed and gave the dog's face a firm squeeze. "Let's go check on your sister. Your sister's sick."
Upstairs, he washed his face and hands and changed his clothes first, to get rid of the cold from outside completely, before he finally walked over to Niantao's bed. "Fever again?"
"Yes."
"Go to sleep. I'll watch her."
"It's fine, tomorrow's Saturday."
Shang Zhitao took Niantao's temperature; it had come down slightly, and she relaxed a little.
"Weren't you supposed to be back tomorrow?" Shang Zhitao asked, pulling Luan Nian down to lie beside her, arms and legs sprawled across him.
"I finished early, so I came home early." Luan Nian took her feet in his hands to warm them. "Sleep."
"Okay."
Shang Zhitao said okay and closed her eyes, but a while later she felt Luan Nian's arm shift, probably reaching over to check Niantao's temperature again, and she laughed. "The two of us really are hopeless."
"You're the hopeless one. Don't drag me into it."
"Then why aren't you asleep? You're just as worried about Niantao."
"I'm just not tired."
Luan Nian, being stubborn as ever, wouldn't admit it, and Shang Zhitao was long used to that. She simply sat up and looked at him.
"What?"
"Someone has a crush on me."
"What?" Luan Nian scoffed.
"I'm serious." Even Shang Zhitao found it strange; she was married, had a child, and somehow still attracted this kind of trouble. At first she'd simply thought a certain client was overly enthusiastic, until, in the middle of the afternoon, at his office, he'd suddenly pulled out a jewelry box and offered it to her. She'd turned him down at once, naturally, but Lumi had told her afterward, "Tell your husband, quick! Give that mule a little sense of urgency!"
"Uh huh. So?" Luan Nian asked.
"So I'm quite the catch."
Shang Zhitao's expression was deadly serious. If Lumi could have seen how flat Luan Nian's face remained, she would have said, without a doubt, "Your husband has zero facial expressions."
"Congratulations on still having charm in middle age." Luan Nian sat up too. "Just the one?"
"...Should there be more than one?"
"Ten? As many as the admirers I get?" Luan Nian knew exactly what she was doing, staking her claim, and there was no way he was going to concede. He needed his wife to know just how sought after he was, and to take her down a peg while he was at it. So he grabbed his phone and tossed it to her. "Here, look."
Shang Zhitao didn't usually go through Luan Nian's phone, but tonight she found herself a little curious. She took it and said, "I'm looking. I'm really looking, okay!"
Luan Nian raised an eyebrow. "Look all you want."
Shang Zhitao opened the phone. There wasn't much of interest on it, really, since Luan Nian had her own chat pinned at the top, followed by the "We All Love Niantao" group and the "Tao Family Group." The first group had Da Zhai, Lao Shang, Dr. Liang, his father, and the two of them, and it was full of Niantao's growth updates. The second was a group with Luan Nian, Da Zhai, Lao Shang, and Shang Zhitao. After that came his pinned work chat. Shang Zhitao kept scrolling and finally found something different. The girl's profile photo was quite pretty; she tapped it open and saw that the girl had added Luan Nian as a contact and messaged him: "Luke, it was really great meeting you. If you ever come to Shanghai again, let me treat you to dinner, just the two of us. Maybe sit by the Bund together at night?"
Luan Nian had replied: "No need. I'm married."
Shang Zhitao pursed her lips. She kept scrolling and found five or six more messages like that. She tossed the phone back to Luan Nian with a huff. Luan Nian pressed his advantage. "These are just the ones I haven't blocked yet. Want to see the blocked list too?"
"You really have to win, don't you?"
"Losing at something like this wouldn't be a good look."
Luan Nian was entirely open about it. He never told Shang Zhitao about the temptations he ran into, because there was no need to. He handled every one of them swiftly and cleanly, giving no one an opening. When he traveled for work, he was busy; back at the hotel he'd exercise or read, and once work wrapped up he'd head straight home, even in the middle of the night, unwilling to stay another day. When he wasn't traveling, he left the office early to get home, because he was eager to see Niantao. He didn't expect Shang Zhitao to get home early too. Her branch office was still just getting off the ground; it was already a rare thing for her to be home on a weekend at all.
Seeing that Shang Zhitao's pout hadn't gone away, he needled her further. "What, lost the fight and won't admit it?"
"It's not fair. I only have one."
"Something's wrong with your head. Is this really something to compare numbers on?" Luan Nian scoffed, conveniently forgetting he'd been the one to start the comparison in the first place. "None of it is worth showing off. Any confession that never becomes a real story is just a scene that gets cut without a second thought. If you want to keep score with me on this," he paused, "I'll kill you."
There would be countless temptations in both their lives; being married screened out some of them, but plenty would remain, people who were persistent, who had ulterior motives, who chased thrills, who treated life as a game. But you couldn't keep someone chained at your side, taming and policing each other until neither of you had a self left.
He pressed his fingertip to her forehead and pushed her back onto the pillow. "Go to sleep." Then he turned to check on Niantao, who had stopped fussing now that her fever had broken and was sleeping soundly. He picked up her little water cup and murmured, "Have some water, Niantao." Niantao drowsily took two sips of warm water, then rolled over and went back to sleep.
Only then did Luan Nian lie back down. Seeing that Shang Zhitao's eyes were still open, he pulled her into his arms. "What's wrong?"
"You run into so many temptations. Will there ever come a day you can't hold out?"
"There will." Luan Nian said it with mock seriousness. Shang Zhitao pinched his arm hard. "Say that again!"
Luan Nian yelped in pain and, out of habit, pinched her cheek back. "Who taught you to pinch people like that?"
"Lumi."
Lumi had gotten into a fight with Will and left a giant bruise on his arm from pinching. She'd told Shang Zhitao about it that afternoon, adding, "I know it sounds bad, but it really felt good."
The two of them really did talk about everything: it's raining, there's traffic, someone's husband is cheating, even two ants fighting could carry them through a whole conversation.
"Learn some better habits. Be more careful who you make friends with. Lumi's not exactly sharp; don't let her drag you down with her."
"Don't be ridiculous!" Shang Zhitao scolded him for talking nonsense, then burrowed into his chest and closed her eyes to sleep. She was exhausted too; hearing that Niantao was sick that afternoon had scared her half to death. She'd rushed home, gotten her in-laws to leave sometime past ten, and had been tending to Niantao nonstop ever since. It was only with this first illness that she truly understood what a mother feared most: her child getting sick. Now that Luan Nian was home, some of the weight had lifted, and she could finally rest.
At some point during the night she registered Luan Nian getting up several times, and when she opened her eyes the next morning, she found him asleep sitting up against the headboard, still holding Niantao. Shang Zhitao crept downstairs, took Luke for a walk, and then started making breakfast.
Luan Nian didn't like strangers around, and he still wouldn't eat food cooked by anyone but the two of them. The housekeeper came only to clean and left right after. Shang Zhitao had never made an issue of it. Marriage was its own kind of practice; they needed to make allowances for each other. She made allowances for his odd temperament, and he made allowances for how hard she worked. Slowly, over time, that kind of patience added up into something solid.
Shang Zhitao still wasn't a great cook, so she only fried some eggs and a steak, the eggs seasoned with pepper salt Luan Nian had prepared in advance, the steak sauce also something he'd made ahead of time. For breakfast, Niantao had tomato and egg noodles, light on oil and salt, sprinkled with crushed seaweed; the rest of her little snacks were things Shang Zhitao and Luan Nian had baked together earlier, packed in a small snack box, with just a bit left. Luke's meal was air dried chicken and dog food, both prepared in advance.
By the time breakfast was ready, Luan Nian and Niantao were both awake. Luan Nian led Niantao, still toddling and wobbling, out of the elevator. Niantao lit up at the sight of Shang Zhitao and let go of her father's hand to run toward her. "Mama, Mama."
"Fever gone?" Shang Zhitao touched her forehead; the little one's temperature was back to normal.
Luan Nian walked to the table, saw that breakfast was ready, cut off a piece of steak, and put it in his mouth. Perfect, well done, thoroughly well done.
"Good?" Shang Zhitao asked.
He remembered something he'd once concluded about the nature of marriage, that it was partly about appreciating each other, so he gave a small nod. "Good. Eat more." Then he checked Niantao's breakfast; the noodles had turned out fine.
The three of them, plus one dog, sat down to eat. Niantao ate like she was in a fight; by the end of the meal, half her noodles had ended up in her bib, and there was food on her hands and face. She thought this was hilarious and even tried to smear the leftovers into her hair and onto her neck. When Shang Zhitao scolded her, she just giggled, thinking her mother was playing a game with her.
Shang Zhitao was a little annoyed. "Niantao, this is a bad habit. You're wasting food, and making a mess of yourself on purpose."
"Could you take care of yourself completely when you were one?" Luan Nian said, displeased, lifting Niantao out of her seat. "Besides, she's still sick!" A total lie; Niantao's illness had come and gone quickly and she was already fine.
Niantao seemed to understand and pouted at Luan Nian, as if to say: Mama's so mean.
Shang Zhitao was thoroughly exasperated with the two of them and shot Luan Nian a glare. "Don't keep spoiling her. Discipline has to start young."
"Mom and Dad said you never had any discipline growing up, and you turned out fine on your own."
"That's not true..."
"Should I tell Mom and Dad you yelled at Niantao just for getting messy while eating on her own?"
"..."
Luan Nian winked at Niantao. "Come on, Daddy's taking you for a hot bath. It's fine that you got messy eating. Just no more fever today, okay?"
Shang Zhitao thought Luan Nian was spoiling their daughter far too much, and followed after them, still meaning to say something, but Luan Nian stopped suddenly at the elevator, turned around, and kissed her on the forehead. "Don't be jealous."
He meant that she'd only been scolding Niantao because she was jealous of her, which was infuriating. Luan Nian looked rather pleased with himself, blocking the elevator door with his foot. "Not coming?"
"Fine."
The two of them undressed Niantao and set her in the tub, and she was thrilled, slapping the water on purpose with her little palms. Hearing Shang Zhitao and Luan Nian's exaggerated yelps only made her laugh harder. Shang Zhitao wiped water off her own face, finally shedding the stern mother act. The two of them played in the water with Niantao, splashing it everywhere.
It soaked through Shang Zhitao's shirt as well.
Luan Nian glanced over and saw the lace of her bra showing through the wet white t-shirt, and his eyes darkened. Shang Zhitao wrapped Niantao in a towel, noticed the look on his face, covered Niantao's eyes with one hand, leaned in to kiss him quickly on the lips, then pulled away just as fast.
Niantao thought Shang Zhitao was playing hide and seek with her and copied the gesture, covering and uncovering her own eyes, babbling, "Nao," her attempt at "cat," which she still couldn't say properly.
...
After Dr. Liang and Luan Mingrui arrived, Luan Nian took Shang Zhitao out to buy groceries. As they neared the supermarket, he suddenly changed course. Shang Zhitao blinked. "Where are we going?"
Luan Nian said nothing and drove to a resort hotel instead. "Get out."
"Our house is only ten kilometers from here," Shang Zhitao reminded him.
"There are people at home."
"Oh."
Luan Nian had been away on a business trip for a week, and the week before that, Shang Zhitao's period had come, and he felt he couldn't wait until night fell. Even then, he didn't dare make a sound, and it always felt like something was missing.
He was a little impatient this time, his teeth grazing her collarbone, and when he heard the soft sound she made, satisfaction spread through him completely. It had been a long time since either of them had felt this unguarded, and for a moment it was like being back before Niantao was born, if not even better than that.
Life was always a tangle of small chores, and moments like this, indulgent and unhurried, felt like a reward. They both loved it. Luan Nian asked her quietly, "Want to take a trip?"
"Just the two of us?"
"Yes."
He felt they needed a brief escape, even if it was only two or three days, no thoughts, nothing to do but be together, and that sounded wonderful.
"What about Niantao?" Shang Zhitao raised the obvious concern.
"She'll stay behind."
Luan Nian said it and did it. The following weekend, he flew Shang Zhitao south, to the place where he was born. Shang Zhitao, hopeless as ever, kept asking him even as the plane took off, "Will Niantao be upset with us? Will Luke miss us?"
"You only take three days off a year for yourself and you're still worrying about everything?"
As much as Luan Nian loved Niantao, he also craved time alone with Shang Zhitao. Both sets of grandparents doted on Niantao, so he had no worries there. He simply felt they should have two or three days a year that belonged only to the two of them, like before, free to do whatever they wanted, or nothing at all.
The small city where Luan Nian had been born looked nothing like it used to.
Over the years, he'd come back once or twice around the Qingming festival to sweep the family graves, and every time he returned, the city seemed to have put on new clothes. Only the old street along the river still carried a trace of the past. His grandmother's house sat at one end of the old street; his other grandmother's house sat at the far end.
The two of them walked hand in hand along the old street, and Luan Nian told her about his childhood. He'd never really had one, so what he described amounted to little more than the occasional fistfight, climbing this tree or that one; most of it, he'd spent alone. Because he never fit in with the other kids, Dr. Liang had cried in secret many times over the years.
But he'd loved painting, and he could sit still for hours, and his grandfather had taught him, praising him for his talent.
What stayed with Luan Nian most vividly, though, more than any of that, was the drifting smoke over the old street each evening, and the smell of dinner cooking that leaked through people's doorways.
Listening to Luan Nian talk about his past, Shang Zhitao thought his childhood sounded quiet and old before its time, while hers had been noisy and full of innocent joy. But people change, one way or another, as time goes on. Life was the same way; it never stayed dramatic forever, but eventually settled into something calm.
And the rarest thing of all, once everything had settled, was still being willing to take a risk now and then, to go on an adventure with that one person. That had become Shang Zhitao's favorite part of it all.
That night, they sat by the hotel window watching the people pass below, and Luan Nian produced a small cake as if by magic, two candles stuck into it. Shang Zhitao stared for two seconds before she remembered it was her birthday.
Time moved so fast that a woman who once flipped through her calendar counting down the days to her birthday could now forget it entirely.
Luan Nian stood up. "A performance of Happy Birthday, for Ms. Shang Zhitao." He swayed slightly, keeping time for himself, and sang a silly little birthday song. Shang Zhitao laughed so hard at him that she suddenly remembered the year he'd sung on stage.
Neither of them could quite say what time had changed in them.
Looking at each other now, they both felt a sense of things finally settling into place.
"Make a wish," Luan Nian told her. Shang Zhitao pressed her palms together, closed her eyes, and made her wish with real sincerity. It was a small wish, and an honest one, the thing she wanted most, deep down, after everything the years had put her through.
"What did you wish for?" Luan Nian asked.
Shang Zhitao smiled faintly. "That we get to have another day like this every year."
The year they met, the two of them had been worlds apart. She had loved him humbly, never daring to hope for a future. It was time that had given them hardship, and the courage to push through it; chaos, and a conscience that kept seeking what was clean and right; separation, and the joy of finding each other again; rain, and clear skies too.
This, right now, was good.
May we get to have this same day, every year.
And may everyone find their own early spring, their own clear skies.
(The End)