The price of survival is often steep. When one pays it themselves, it's bearable. When others pay the cost, it becomes tragedy.
Feng Suige took the porcelain cup of ginseng tea from the maid's tray and gently placed it on the table. Two days had passed since their return from the arena. Yi Xiao had confined herself to her chambers, only drifting into brief, fitful slumbers when exhaustion overcame her—always jolting awake soon after. When conscious, she stood silently by the window, a statue carved from grief.
"We've uncovered some leads," Feng Suige said quietly. "It's only a matter of time before the truth comes to light. You must take care of yourself. Don't fall ill first."
"Don't worry." Yi Xiao's voice came soft without turning. "I won't fall before that person does."
Feng Suige continued, "To avoid suspicion, Marquis Jianxin has voluntarily isolated himself from his subordinates. My people are tending to his meals and daily needs."
"You know in your heart it wasn't him." Yi Xiao slowly turned to face Feng Suige. "Do you want me to say it out loud?"
"If you could say it, I'd feel more at ease." Feng Suige gently traced the dark circles beneath her eyes. "Even if you cried, it would be better than this."
Yi Xiao froze for a moment, instinctively avoiding his touch. Feng Suige's hand hung awkwardly in the air. After a long pause, he smiled bitterly. "Are you blaming me?"
"It would be hypocritical to say I don't blame you at all." Yi Xiao was silent for a moment before meeting his eyes. "But I blame myself more. Those people were after me. I'm the one who cost Gu Yu his life." Her voice suddenly caught. "Even now, I don't understand what makes me worth his desperate protection!"
"Don't say such foolish things." Feng Suige sighed deeply, drawing her into his embrace. "Remember when you ran away in anger? Later, I asked him how he defines good and bad people. Guess how he answered? He said those who are truly kind to him and protect him are good people. Those who aren't kind to him and bully him are all bad people."
Yi Xiao listened quietly as she leaned against his chest, feeling Feng Suige's breath warm against her forehead.
"Gu Yu may not have been as intelligent as others, but he saw everyone around him with his heart. So don't doubt Gu Yu, and don't doubt yourself."
After a long while, Yi Xiao suddenly smiled. Leaving his embrace, her eyes sparked with fierce determination. "Those who want to kill me have always been one step behind. They've sent mediocre assassins, not skilled killers. So they were destined to fail before they even began. Would you be willing to teach me how to better protect myself in this treacherous imperial court—and even learn to strike back?"
"Of course I'm willing." Feng Suige gently caressed her cheek. "I'd like to promise that I'll protect you forever and never let you be harmed. But there are many things I can't change or undo now. So I can only promise to protect you with all my might and provide everything I can. This is all I can do for you right now, Yi Xiao."
He paused, his voice growing heavy with emotion. "I'm sorry I can't make a promise I can't keep, but I truly want to give you happiness. Do you understand? So if you understand my meaning, promise me one thing—no matter the circumstances, cherish your own life and try your best to survive. Promise me you won't die before I do."
Yi Xiao listened quietly, then nodded slightly. "I promise you."
In a side hall, Feng Qishan paced back and forth in fury. Concubine Zhuang stood nervously to the side, hesitating several times before finally crying out, "Your Majesty—"
"Silence!" Feng Qishan's shout echoed off the walls. "You guaranteed to this Emperor that the matter would be handled flawlessly. And now?"
"Your subject didn't expect Father and Brother to fail." Concubine Zhuang pouted pitifully. "Besides, if it weren't for those two fire arrows..."
"Enough." Feng Qishan cut her off, seeming to reach a decision. "What's done is done. There's no use dwelling on it. This Emperor doesn't believe they can turn the tables under his very nose!"
"Yes, yes." Concubine Zhuang quickly agreed with a flattering smile. "No matter how capable Prince Feng is, he's still just a prince. It's only that Fu Yi Xiao—"
"Her?" Feng Qishan snorted coldly. "Taking her life would be as easy as flipping my hand. I've only allowed her to remain brazen until now out of consideration for Suige and Xi Yang."
"In your subject's view, Fu Yi Xiao is merely an ignorant country girl." Concubine Zhuang's smile turned malicious. "Her heart belongs entirely to Xia Jingshi, the King of Pacifying the South. And what the Prince has always been most concerned about is probably that very name—Xia Jingshi..."
After a long journey, they finally arrived at the splendid imperial capital. Gazing at the distant dark grey city walls, Feng Xi Yang sighed. She had returned here after several years, but with a completely different status and state of mind.
Xia Jingshi had been deliberately avoiding her, and Snow Shadow hadn't returned since leaving her carriage that day.
That night, she drank herself into a stupor, hazily singing a little tune she'd heard somewhere: "Love, not knowing where it begins, goes deep at once. Today as dust clears and light emerges, let love and infatuation pass together..."
In her daze, she heard her own voice, low and hoarse.
Deep at once. Deep as the long dreams in those endless nights.
That night, she was truly drunk, forgetting everything. When she awoke with a splitting headache, there were no caring hands to offer her a cup of hot tea.
Once, she had secretly asked a favored concubine in Su Sha's harem, "Are you very miserable?"
To her surprise, the concubine had smiled and said, "Liking someone doesn't bring misery."
Curious, she'd asked, "Do you love the King?"
The concubine had replied, "Of course I do. Because I love him, I can find an equal measure of joy hidden behind the long-lasting pain."
But why did she only feel pain and no joy?
At this moment, she felt like a traveler on a long journey, chasing a point of starlight. Hungry, thirsty, and weary, she stumbled through darkness, ready to collapse at any moment and never rise again.
Why had she wanted to chase it in the first place? If she had known the light on the horizon was a mirage, would she have given up or continued? Why, when the light source was within reach, could she do nothing?
She only needed one word from him—just one—and she would have chosen to believe him unconditionally, regardless of the facts before her eyes. She could even have deceived herself and denied everything. But he never lied.
It was this man who had destroyed so many years of her hopes, and her entire life.
How ironic. This man, unmoved no matter what she did, his heart like copper walls and iron ramparts, without a single weakness. No—he did have one.
Did she have to extinguish this light with her own hands?
Was she not afraid of never seeing daylight again?
The questions hung in her mind like daggers, each one drawing blood. Feng Xi Yang closed her eyes against the pain, but it followed her even into darkness. Love, she was learning, was not the gentle emotion poets sang of. It was a blade that cut deepest when wielded by the one you cherished most.
And she was beginning to wonder if she'd have the strength—or the cruelty—to wield that blade herself.
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